I watched my father struggle in job after job after leaving the Army. He carried the habits and conditioning they’d drilled into him, but the civilian world had no place for it. That experience stayed with me.
This poem speaks to that same journey from soldier to veteran a path shaped by conditioning, fractured by silence, and weighted by duties left unfinished. It traces the language of violence, the loss of belonging, and the fragile triangle of responsibilities between the MOD, employers, and the individual. Above all, it asks what happens when one side walks away, and the burden falls on those least able to bear it.
After the Gate Closes
They strip away the self you knew,
A number, drill, a name,
A haircut sharp, a uniform,
You’ll never be the same.
They march you out in ordered lines,
Obedience drilled in fast,
The future fades, the present rules,
The past becomes the past.
Rewards for doing what you’re told,
And punishments for wrong,
The soldier self is born from this,
Conditioned to be strong.
But when the gates swing wide at last,
And papers mark you done,
The MOD has banked its years,
Its duty seen as won.
A veteran now, you walk away,
No longer just a man,
You’re neither soldier nor civilian,
But something outside the plan.
Civ Div is the posting new,
A foreign, silent land,
Where banter turns to warning notes,
And humour’s out of hand.
In offices of spreadsheets, rules,
The panic starts to grow;
A missing form, a coffee spat,
They call it crisis though.
They breathe once, steady hands, a nod
They’ve faced the real abyss;
“No one has died; the sky still stands”
Perspective, not amiss.
Yet calm mistaken looks like drift,
Like apathy, or worse,
The culture clash grows sharp and wide,
Each side feels the curse.
Some turn to roles where order rules,
Where structure holds the day;
The badge, the rig, the prison gates,
Feel safer than the grey.
In uniforms of different cut,
The habits still belong;
The rigid lines, the rule of law,
Are where they feel most strong.
Belonging once was automatic,
Your section, corps, your crew,
Now breakfast clubs and meetings small
Replace the bond you knew.
Isolation grows from this,
The triangle bends and cracks,
Jobs and families take the strain,
The burden on their backs.
The MOD stands absent at the gate,
Its ledger stamped “closed case”;
Employers take the weight within
The veteran fills the space.
Three corners meant to share the load,
But one has slipped away;
The frame gives out, the weight comes down,
On those who have to stay.
De-conditioning is a debt unpaid,
A task we must pursue;
Till MOD, employers, veterans stand,
The losses will ensue.
For years they make all violence norm,
A language, sharp and clear;
From shouted words to breaking bones,
It’s what you learn to hear.
But one day that is torn away,
You’re told you must not be,
The person that they built from scratch,
The one trained for war’s decree.
De-conditioning must bridge this rift,
To help two worlds align;
To keep the living standing whole,
And save the broken line.