đ´ comedian | writer | etc. đ´
Joined January 2010
- Tweets 4,825
- Following 1,468
- Followers 44,996
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327 Photos and videos
Pinned Tweet
9 Jul 2020
My freshman year roommate sat me down Day 1 and was like âHeads up: Iâll be bringing lots of girls and maybe even some guys to the dorm this year so, if that scares you, grow up cuz this ainât high school!â
Anyway, he brought one girl back the whole year and now theyâre married.
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People complain itâs unrealistic Clark Kent just puts on glasses and none of the people he works with recognize heâs Superman but, as someone whoâs worked a lot of office jobs, nothing could be more realistic than nobody in an office paying any real attention to their coworkers.
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the way instagramâs algorithm works is that for every 10,000 followers you gain posting reels, you alienate 1 real life acquaintance forever
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Elon Musk just became the worldâs first trillionaire and, to put in context how much a trillion dollars is, thatâs like more than DOUBLE the amount of money Iâve got
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do you think elon musk becoming a trillionaire will radicalize normal, everyday billionaires? i imagine jeff bezos and bill gates hearing about elonâs trillions and being like âyâknow itâs lowkey wrong for one person to have so much while the rest of us have so little smhâ
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iâve been married a few months and so far the biggest change to my day-to-day life has been that now instead of people being like âwait, you have a girlfriend? i thought you were gayâ people are like âwait, you have a wife? i thought you were gayâ which feels like a lateral move
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media outlets owned by billionaires love to publish articles like "a troubling workplace trend has emerged in which employees are expecting to be compensated by their employer for the work they do on behalf of the company, experts are terrified..."
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whenever you simply mention that a billionaire is a billionaire, people come out of the woodwork to be like âthatâs not liquid though! Most of their money is in stocks and other assets!â and itâs like, oh okay, so i guess that makes them poor then???
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I used to not really trust A.I. but then I saw a bunch of beloved Hollywood celebrities saying that "A.I. is the future" and now I also donât trust Hollywood celebrities
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people talk about A.I. the way you talk about your friend's loser boyfriend who she refuses to dump like "yeah, he's objectively bad but he's not going anywhere so we just have to get used to him and try to limit his negative effects on the environment"
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Robert Schultz retweeted
so like, what are we? (a short film about situationships) shot on 16mm
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i heard an old person say âmen today arenât providers!â and itâs like, oh yeah, well then who do you think is PROVIDING my wife YouTube videos she has to watch???
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in college i double-majored in english and political science and people will be like âoh, so does that mean you know a lot about literature and politics?â and itâs like, oh god no, that just means i know a lot about avoiding math at all costs
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i actually donât come from money but my overall vibe naturally has a âmy father will be hearing about thisâ energy so nobody believes me
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Robert Schultz retweeted
May 24
husband goes âtropical vacations are rough with youâ i go âwhy?â he goes âbecause you literally call any random person wearing sunglasses âiconic.â youâre the girl who cried âiconic.ââ maybe trueâŚ
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nothing turns me into a Republican faster than QR code menus like a waitress will tell me their menu is totally digital and I just shake my head like âwe used to be a f*ckinâ countryâ
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my wife just found a strand of her own hair in my car then demanded to know if I was cheating on her with a woman who looks exactly like her so who says a drama-free relationship canât have drama???
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i was hanging out with my irish grandmother and i accidentally described her as being "basically british" which, in the irish community, is actually considered a su!c!de attempt
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i once interviewed for an entry level job where they told me i didnât have enough experience and when i asked how i was supposed to get experience if nobody would hire me without experience the interviewer pulled a lever beside their desk that opened a trap door under my chair
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everyoneâs advice for getting a good job is like âwear a suit to the interview, have a strong handshake, send handwritten notes to the hiring managerâ and everyoneâs explanation for how they actually have a good job is like âoh, the owner of the company plays golf with my dadâ
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over the course of a single motherâs day brunch, my mom managed to insinuate i should lose weight, make a passive aggressive dig at my career and imply that she likes all my siblings more than me which is actually what they call a âmotherhood triple doubleâ
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