three trench coats stuffed inside a raccoon
Joined April 2009
- Tweets 35,557
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- Followers 2,733
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20 Apr 2024
Imagine being the researcher tasked with observing infinite monkeys on typewriters and just as one of them is about to finish writing The Tempest, on the very last word it types banana
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Getting to observe myself and others in the past year reluctantly rejoin non-anonymous social media for the purposes of securing EMPLOYMENT and HOUSING is fucking BLEAK
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I'm crying Iran actually regime-changed America
Jun 16
Israeli outlet Israel Hayom reports, in a claim not yet echoed by other major outlets, that President Trump is weighing the dismissal of several senior administration figures who opposed the Iran deal, including Defense Secretary Hegseth and CIA Director Ratcliffe.
“The argument has been settled. Those who opposed it may pay a personal price,” a senior U.S. official was quoted as saying about the behind-the-scenes turmoil.
According to the report, Secretary of State Marco Rubio appears to be safe for now.
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Dairy “Lolph Dumbgrin” McQueen retweeted
Jun 15
Disclosure day was one of the worst movies I've ever seen in a theater and there's reasons for that but at its worst it's the senile boomer insistence that the end of their lives also marks the end of human civilization as we know it and that it be confirmed to them on The News.
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Dairy “Lolph Dumbgrin” McQueen retweeted
Jun 15
Great bit in Disclosure Day where Bono’s daughter is watching one of these guys 👽 on a laptop and goes “What is that thing?” What do you think it is? What do you think the little creature that looks like how all aliens have looked since the 30s is??
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I would go to a house party again even at my age just for the opportunity to barf, drink more, execute a perfect Bernie impression, say "I am once again" and immediately barf a second time, just to do the bit
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One thing people don't tell you about small children is when two or more of them are gathered, they are capable of manifesting an incredible amount of dark energy in the middle of a living room while you're trying to watch a basketball game
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Holding up a giant beach ball in front of my face. I'm not trying to watch you motherfucker you're not even my kid
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A day after an F-18 crashed in Washington state
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We may have lost the war in Iran but we won of the battle of finding ways to force members of our military to salute as UFC fighters walk by at the president’s birthday party
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“Is that Erika Kirk??” almost immediately followed by “Is that Hitler???”
Jun 15
The official broadcast for Trump's UFC fight announces that fighters will be paid in crypto from the Trump family's crypto company
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Trump spending his entire political career talking about draining the swamp only to spend weeks gloating about how massive his AHEM *reflecting* pool (symbolism anyone? Lit majors??) is and the pool instantly turning into a literal swamp on his birthday/America’s 250th is 🤌
Jun 14
I traveled all the way to Washington DC to see if the Reflecting Pool is as gross as people said it was and the answer is YES.
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It’s like a fairy tale where a vain king commissions a wizard build him a Mirror of Beauty but the wizard is just a con artist and he sells him a normal mirror claiming it’s enchanted, but the king, who has never seen his own reflection, is like EW BARF THIS WIZARD SUCKS
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Meanwhile the queen is like ‘oh wow I look hot this mirror must truly be enchanted, idk why the king hates it’, and I’m like no baby the only magic is your natural beauty and we FUCK
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The phrase “clean and sober” really isn’t putting enough distance between someone and their old friends. It’s too modest. They should instead say something like I’m three days beautiful, winsome and sober. That way I can be like aw I want that too. Clean doesn’t stoke envy enough
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Some people are being real weird about three high schoolers at a basketball game
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Fun fact the fluffernutter is the only cookie whose name consists of two different jobs on a porn set
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I would eagerly bid on a chance to own “THE DONALD TRUMP AND”. I would hang it in the hallway that leads to the shitter
Jun 12
Here we go.
Thousands of people are watching the live feed on @MeidasTouch .. as crews prepare to strip Trump's name off of the Kennedy Center
youtube.com/live/1_GNL3YXrcc
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RT @jjellisart: Nostalgia is a tool of fascism, a warm, idealized version of a past that never truly existed. Do not catch yourself longing…
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