Thought I was home alone so I walked down the steps shirtless singing
“I’m a chud I’m a chud I’m a fat little chud”
and my roommate was eating at the dining room table in the dark looking at me like this
One on the left needs a tourniquet STAT there's a major artery in the arm, one in the right needs morphine so she'll stop clutching the wound and then I need to pack it with hemostatic gauze, pile on the trauma pads and wrap up her middle air-tight. We're gonna need a stretcher for her and her friend can't help because she's winged sarn't you need to call Company HQ to send at least four men and a proper doctor I'm just a medic