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Allergics Anonymous @allergics_anon

A mediocre monthly comedy newsletter. Sign up at allergics.app.link

Joined August 2020
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Allergics Anonymous@allergics_anon
30 Sep 2021
My exercise regimen consists of 10 reps of bicep curls with 20 pound dumbbells and then immediately picking up my 5 ounce phone. The phone is weightless and floats in my hand. I feel like Arnold for 15 seconds and call it a day. allergics.substack.com/p/5-d…
I am finding masks now in all my clothes. For some reason, I still get surprised as if I found twenty bucks in an old jacket. At the current rate of inflation, soon enough a mask will cost more than $20. I'd brand them COVID-20. allergics.substack.com/p/13-…
I realized I am getting old when I started getting swollen prostate ads on YouTube. I watch one black and white movie clip and they think I was born during the Great Depression. allergics.substack.com/p/12-…
Whenever I reach to my pockets, I find a mask and I still get surprised as if I found $20 in an old jacket. With the current rate of inflation, soon enough a mask will be worth more than 20 bucks.
I've decided to get a pilot's license. Not because I want to fly, reach new heights, and soar into the stratosphere. I am learning how to fly so that my wife stops commenting on my driving. allergics.substack.com/p/11-…
The most cleaning we ever do around the house happens the day before the cleaner comes. It doesn't happen for any other occasion. allergics.substack.com/p/10-…
Shakira taught us that hips don't lie. Mine don't move. At all. allergics.substack.com/p/9-p…
I don't close closet doors. It drives my wife crazy. I don't intend to - it just never crosses my mind. It seems more efficient to keep them open all the time. Why bother closing the closet if I have to re-open it every day? allergics.substack.com/p/8-e…
Have you EVER been a prostitute, or procured anyone for prostitution? Have you EVER been married to more than one person at the same time? Have you EVER been affiliated with The Communist Party or any other totalitarian party? allergics.substack.com/p/7-b…
I think the weather exists just to facilitate small talk. It is not about environmental benefits and providing the necessary conditions for the survival of all organisms. It is about the survival of humans in awkward situations. allergics.substack.com/p/6-t…
I feel an odd sense of achievement when my pee is clear like water. allergics.substack.com/p/4-t…
The mother of all of P-words is prioritization. Prioritize everything: plans, projects, proofs of concept. allergics.substack.com/p/3-p…
Last week, I thought my wife wanted to replace me with an app. allergics.substack.com/p/2-y…
I moved from Egypt to the United States five years ago looking for opportunity, for freedom, for bacon. allergics.substack.com/p/1-l…
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InboxReads 💌@inboxreads
19 Sep 2021
Every month, get a written five-minute standup set to your inbox with Allergics Anonymous #comedy inboxreads.co/n/allergics-an…
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