This place is wild.
Joined January 2012
- Tweets 63,978
- Following 790
- Followers 9,681
- Likes 72,395
5,789 Photos and videos
Pinned Tweet
6 Jul 2024
I cannot definitively say, even after all I’ve seen, that I would not visit Jurassic Park
188
5,631
49,089
2,130,311
Apr 3
I’m not really here anymore and neither are a lot of my favorite people from the good ol’ Twitter days but I just found a bunch of playlists on Spotify from when everyone in a room would compile lists of songs together and it made me smile <3
1
7
292
Melissa retweeted
1 Oct 2025
1 Oct 2025
Jimmy Fallon plans to “keep my head down” and avoid politics on “The Tonight Show”: The show has “never really been political” variety.com/2025/tv/news/jim…
780
73,999
522,628
12,786,448
Melissa retweeted
20 Aug 2025
my son said he has a hard time falling asleep because his brain keeps sending him notifications, and that’s the best description ive ever heard
21
135
1,372
25,915
Melissa retweeted
19 Aug 2025
Being consequenced for calling a coworker a flibbertigibbet is unfortunately ironic as I am also a flibbertigibbet
1
9
507
Melissa retweeted
19 Aug 2025
“Just for the sake of argument” is another way to say “hypothetically I’m an asshole”
4
27
79
3,331
Melissa retweeted
20 Aug 2025
It’s not the heat that’ll get you, it’s the me complaining about the heat
9
88
509
14,101
Melissa retweeted
25 Jul 2025
You can't scare me, I've lived in Ohio AND New Jersey
3
16
64
2,157
Melissa retweeted
25 Jul 2025
Don't fuck with me, I'll eat a well done steak just because.
3
39
114
4,487
Melissa retweeted
8 Jul 2025
Several days ago an apple fell from the tree while my brother Dan was under it and now at least twice a day he waits for 5-15 minutes under the tree for the possibility of an apple
74
1,317
46,282
606,211
Melissa retweeted
28 May 2025
A lot of men are insecure about their height but not me, I’m 5’9” and I’m okay with it. I’ve been 5’11” since high school and never had issues dating. Now days when women find out I’m 6’2” it’s not a deal breaker because they value my other qualities, not just my 6’5” stature.
4
4
24
806
16 May 2025
Oh no someone is sucking on a hard candy next to me, pls send help
2
2
7
393
Melissa retweeted
20 Mar 2025
Girl I work with spilled her chipotle all over her keyboard and I says "I think you want adobe on your computer, not adobo."
She didn't get it
3
3
12
870
28 Feb 2025
If you can watch the meeting between President Zelenskyy, Trump and Vance and feel proud of the US representatives you are as much of an embarrassment as they are
1
7
451
Melissa retweeted
18 Oct 2024
People get real uncomfortable when I call it the Post Orifice
3
4
15
1,046
Melissa retweeted
18 Sep 2024
Spotify opened at work and I forgot my air pods at home and Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy (1941) began to play on max volume I'd rather it have been porn they're calling me Gladys
168
1,880
45,528
1,142,861
Melissa retweeted
11 Jun 2024
local bands be like “big things coming soon!!” and it’s allegations
43
2,948
44,600
1,264,548
Melissa retweeted
7 May 2021
Girls forget real quick that Luigi has a mansion
262
12,235
122,163
Melissa retweeted
18 Oct 2024
Twitter fires 80% of employees, hate speech is at an all time high, and stocks tank.
Now, Twitter plans to remove block feature that will get the app booted from the app store.
I'm no business strategist, but damn... Maybe congress will bail ol musky out again lol
1
1
325