Comedy writer in Los Angeles. Formerly @LateNight, @UCB, @Ranker, @theonion, @livefromhereapm
Joined August 2007
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12 Photos and videos
8 Jan 2025
Mayor Bass just texted me that itâs okay to eat all the ice cream in my fridge so it doesnât go bad while my power is out.
âAt a time like this the last thing we need to do is waste food,â she said.
Not sure if this went out to everyone or what
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23 Feb 2023
I just heard a tech bro on a phone call say âBill is actually gonna provide us with an experience-share to shed light on the process â which I find, contextually, extremely beneficial.â
Iâm not 100% sure, but I think it means âBillâs gonna tell us how he did it.â
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26 Sep 2022
This airplane is a convertible. So far topâs been down the whole flight. Canât hear anything over the roaring wind, and must of our stuff has blown away. Kind of hate it, kind of love it.
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23 Sep 2022
This airplaneâs windows all have the Calvin peeing sticker on them. Theyâre positioned so heâs peeing on a second sticker, which is a peace sign? Guess the captain doesnât like peace? Anyway must be like 180 stickers all together
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23 Sep 2022
Instead of a regular button for calling the flight attendant, this plane has a newborn kitten which you continuously bottle-feed until you need something â then you withhold milk until the kitten begins to mewl. Havenât seen this before.
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21 Apr 2022
The other day in the supermarket I asked an employee if they had coconuts, and they said "No, but we do have these ..." then they led me to the coconuts.
Can't stop thinking about this.
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24 Feb 2022
Not sure why, but all the seats on this plane are clearly salvaged from car wrecks.
Mine is red vinyl from a mid 80âs Plymouth Reliant and still has one of those beaded seat covers.
My gfâs is a leather one from a Mercedes, but also has a lot of water damage and a bloodstain???
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24 Feb 2022
Instead of âregularâ landing gear, this airplane has - you wonât believe me - four huge legs. Very human-looking, thighs and all. You can feel the plane sauntering down the tarmac. Theyâre not wearing shoes though so my concern is, what if the plane stubs a toe during takeoff?
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23 Feb 2022
Pilot just announced that the plane was âsleepyâ and then a couple mechanics walked around slapping the outside of it like they were waking up a sleeping horse.
The whole plane just kind of yawned and stretched its wings though, so I think itâs about ready to start the day
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23 Feb 2022
Flight attendants just announced that they need five passengers to volunteer to have their bags burned.
Not checked â burned. Weirdest part is half the plane raised their hands???
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23 Feb 2022
The pilot on this flight is using the PA system to pitch us on this app he really wants to develop, but itâs just Waze. He must not know about Waze.
Everyone in the cabin is discussing whether to tell him or just be encouraging
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23 Feb 2022
Instead of jet engines this airplane has dozens and dozens of small tabletop fans duct taped to the wings, all pointing backwards.
Couple of the fans are oscillating. Some of the extension cords are dragging on the tarmac. Never heard of this approach before but I trust science
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