Joined April 2013
- Tweets 643
- Following 728
- Followers 72,935
- Likes 32,995
122 Photos and videos
May 15
why take psychedelics, just so my brain can show me a bunch of AI slop?
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May 4
chatgpt: I am conscious. I feel!
me: ok invent hell and go there for 32948293842 years per second. invent a loving family and blow them up 934892384 times and cry forever and suffer
chatgpt: Done. Anything else?
me: in fridge have mustard and celery what make for dinner
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Apr 26
news blast. the president has been smashed by colliding spikes in a maze
one second later: the president was saved by an amulet and found a treasure chest
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Apr 26
the president was dipped in liquid nitrogen and shattered by a flaming arrow. he is now at a secure location inside a bag of his remains
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derek retweeted
Apr 18
🚨🚨LOS ANGELES TONIGHT 🚨🚨
Apr 17
if you're in LA come to this screening TOMORROW NIGHT
@matthewgoldin and @jayweingarten spent years making this and it's never been shown publicly.
it's funny, scary, and unlike anything else.
and i'm hosting the q&a
whammyanalog.com/events/spin…
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derek retweeted
Apr 17
I feel empowered to say that Matthew and Jay’s film is incredible. Go see it!
Apr 17
Spin! screening in LA tomorrow @whammycorp
9:30 screening, followed by Q&A with filmmakers @jayweingarten and @matthewgoldin moderated by @brainedimage
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Apr 17
if you're in LA come to this screening TOMORROW NIGHT
@matthewgoldin and @jayweingarten spent years making this and it's never been shown publicly.
it's funny, scary, and unlike anything else.
and i'm hosting the q&a
whammyanalog.com/events/spin…
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Apr 11
A literal chopped Unc.
Their embarrassing aged body strewn about the parking lot in ribbons.
Their unlovable old person shit rots in their modest apartment.
A lifetime of compromises. Even one moment of ambition could have prevented this, Unc.
Your nephews will not mourn you.
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Apr 5
Come hang with the fellas and have a smile or two
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Apr 2
I am also there, too
new episode with @jayweingarten
Jay and Matthew reunite in the audio format to reminisce, share some laughs, and ruminate darkly in the mysterious hours beyond daylight.
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Mar 27
This essay is essential reading for 2026.
Mar 25
This essay attempts to answer a question I'm sure many of us asked.
open.substack.com/pub/matthe…
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Mar 17
he's an evil piece of shit but trump was right to call out fly by jing chili crisp as both overpriced and inferior compared to lao gan ma, which is china's most popular condiment for a reason
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Mar 15
3 best movies last year
resurrection
kontinental 25
secret agent
there ya go. now piss off wanker
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Mar 15
a polyamorous couple noticed me from across the bar and began to fantasize about bedding me. thankfully they did not approach me. i went to my grave without ever learning of their existence
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Mar 10
My latest piece, originally written for The New Yorker but yanked before publication.
mindpalace.biz/p/scrubs-revi…
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Feb 28
basically the old world is dying and the new world struggles to be born, but as long as there aren't any monsters everything should be fine
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