I guarantee you have never met anyone like me. I'm hilarious, beautiful and insecure. I like expensive things to compensate for my cheap conversation.
Joined July 2015
- Tweets 19
- Following 56
- Followers 17
- Likes 3
Photos and videos
23 Aug 2015
If I were to have $1 for every time a girl called me beautiful, I would have $1. Thanks @Caitlyn_Jenner...
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20 Aug 2015
I'm the kind of dude who refuses to leave the building when the fire alarm sounds
20 Aug 2015
Is it me or is all this talk about pedophilia making anyone crave an Italian BMT right now?
20 Aug 2015
I wonder if Jared is going to gain all the weight back swallowing Tyrone (his cellmates) load? Don't ask me how I know Tyrones names
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20 Aug 2015
Jared from subway lost 245 pounds and made millions from eating subway and jerking off to child porn. Moral: eat more subway.
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14 Aug 2015
If u r ever getting raped don't try and fight it. Just look the rapist in the eyes and whisper "you're going to be a great dad", he'll stop.
9 Aug 2015
One consumed enough tequila to kill Amy Winehouse and enough tacos to kill an army of Liberian child soldiers. #fiesta
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5 Aug 2015
That guy who killed Cecil the lion is a little bitch. I've killed like two spiders and an ant today in my office. Come see me, bro. #cecil
2 Aug 2015
During Mardi Gras girls get rewarded for showing their tits with plastic beads. How come I got arrested when I pulled my penis out?
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31 Jul 2015
I always anticipated Santa clause coming. Then I felt the warm semen dripping down my leg and decided I hated Christmas.
24 Jul 2015
My middle name should be "bill Cosby" because my closing percentage is so high
24 Jul 2015
It's a good thing that "what" rhymes with "what" and "nigga" rhymes with "nigga" otherwise we wouldn't have a lot of rap music
24 Jul 2015
Omg Hilary V. Jeb is like a sequel. Like the 8th fast and furious movie.
23 Jul 2015
They just asked me at planned parenthood how many sexual partners I've had in the last year.
Me: Consensually?
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23 Jul 2015
It's not cheating if you're crying too hard to see who you're fucking