ALT YOU ARE A SEAGULL. Your beak is a jagged shard of hate, your eyes twin pinpricks of malice, and your brain the words “FUCK YOU” written very small thousands of times on scrunched up gambling tickets. You’d be profoundly stupid if you weren’t so aggressive; your daily operations are so immediate, so self-centred and so vicious that you are almost impossible to outmanoeuvre.

ALT YOUR MISSION. Your brain is an unrelenting pachinko hell of frantic ambition. You have a mission for today; it is your everything. Roll each time you take control of a new seagull. Fuck up the kitschy dog parade Ruin that kid’s beach-side birthday party Burn down the lifeguard tower Steal the uncooked fish from the chip shop Hog down so much fuckin ice cream you puke Wreck the yacht-based marriage ceremony

ALT THE FLOCK. All gulls move as a single entity: the flock. The flock begins play with 30 seagulls. These are the names (and traits) of all the seagulls in the flock: Big Seagull Loud Seagull Sharp Seagull Feathery Seagull Distracting Seagull Grabby Seagull Flappy Seagull Tall Seagull Round Seagull Cruel Seagull Sticky Seagull Sneaky Seagull Muscular Seagull Fast Seagull Pointy Seagull Intimidating Seagull Surprising Seagull Dishonest Seagull Revolting Seagull Sexy Seagull Seagull that can do maths Heavy Seagull Seagull that’s in disguise French Seagull on holiday Seagull that smokes cigarettes Scabrous Seagull Seagull with a score to settle Luxury Seagull Seagull that wears a little hat Seagull that solves mysteries

ALT To direct the flock to action, YELL. (Anything. Make a noise like a seagull if it helps.) If at least two other players* join in with the yelling, you command the flock to take immediate, decisive action - describe what it is. If less than two other players join in with the yelling, you (and the chump who joined in, if there is one) are cast out of the flock and your seagull is removed from play. If you try to secure guaranteed support before you yell or do anything tricky like that, you are cast out of the flock for cowardice and your seagull is removed from play.