@swampthingraps. backburner. toolshed.
Joined January 2009
- Tweets 9,398
- Following 338
- Followers 1,017
- Likes 24,831
682 Photos and videos
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11 Oct 2021
been wearing this operation ivy shirt so long now it’s a rancid shirt
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Jun 13
I’m not saying every billionaire should get Luigi’d, but what about every trillionaire
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Jun 13
For those confused on how you make a pinkle, you just need vinegar, a mason jar, and a pink cucumber
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Jun 10
There are no winners in war. Especially in a cravat tug of war. Tie game
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Jun 10
Dogs can’t eat onions or garlic, which is probably for the best, breath-wise
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Jun 10
The Gospel of John states that Mary had a sister, also named Mary, known as Mary of Clopas. Clopas was an uncle to Jesus and Mary was a carpenter aunt
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Jun 10
What do you mean you dug up some dirt on me? What was that dirt under? More dirt? How did you know when the normal dirt stopped and the special dirt began?
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Jun 9
Not sure how I always have tiny scrapes on my shins. Only logical conclusion is that I’m unknowingly running some sort of from the knee down only Fight Club
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Jun 9
The server at the restaurant gives me a strange nod, I look down, beneath the cuff off his shorts his legs are a disaster
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Jun 7
Whoa these mushrooms turned my psyche into a shrine. Truly mind altaring
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Jun 7
Me: Oh wow. Letters and numbers were not on my bingo card
Guy next to me at bingo hall: Flip it over, that’s the wrong side
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Jun 7
Don’t be all fake at the party, calling me your dog, offering me wine and ferrero rochers. How dare you. Grapes and chocolate are highly toxic to canines
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Jun 7
I know it’s supposed to be a term of endearment, but when a friend calls me dog it always makes me self-conscious about my frigid wet nose
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Jun 6
Me: All I do is conjure vivid mental visions of apples all day long
Friend with aphantasia: I can’t even imagine what you’re going through
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Jun 4
Imagine if you died and turned into your favourite snacks. That’s what it’s like for dogs when they turn into bones. Or cannibals when they turn into dead people
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Jun 2
Impossible to die when you’re middle-aged. The end-aged absolutely dominate the death bracket
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