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Joined March 2015
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5 Nov 2021
Signs the end is near:
• All the Kool-Aid is gone
• The billionaires are escaping into space
• You just paid off your student loans
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4 Nov 2021
Signs you've eaten too much candy:
• Your waistline went from Fun to King Size
• Your pronouns are now "Her/Shey"
• Your dentist named their boat after you
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3 Nov 2021
Signs your campaign is too dirty:
• Steve Bannon thinks you took things too far
• You changed your name to Meta
• Even dead people don't want to vote for you
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28 Oct 2021
Worst things to hear at the World Series:
• "And now we go to the top of the 15th inning..."
• "Did you see the great seats Steve Bartman got?"
• Joe Buck
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27 Oct 2021
Signs you've spent too much time on social media:
• You see your baby falling and you grab your camera
• At the end of your session, you ask your therapist to "like and subscribe"
• You speak in 280 characters or less
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25 Oct 2021
Signs you're living in a reality show:
• Your cat just told you she needs a better contract
• You refer to all your relationships as ‘alliances’
• When you get naked, your genitals become blurry
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22 Oct 2021
Signs it's time to buy a new computer:
• Your cat won't even sit on it
• The little paperclip tells you to
• You're Hunter Biden
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19 Oct 2021
Signs you're at a bad seafood restaurant:
• The waiter asks if you've seen a crab crawling around with a gunshot wound.
• The lobsters pick you.
• They're known for their cheddar biscuits.
#NationalSeafoodBisqueDay
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18 Oct 2021
Worst things to hear in a science lab:
• "Some say monster, I say Nobel Prize."
• "Define 'too much radiation.'"
• Nickelback
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15 Oct 2021
Unexpected ways a boss can make their employees happy:
• Getting over their obsession with productivity
• "Casual Sex Fridays"
• Launching themselves into space... and actually staying there this time
#BossDay
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14 Oct 2021
Reasons cake is better than pie:
• You don't have to pretend to care about cake crust
• Pi is only good for measuring a cake's circumference
• Rarely does a stripper jump out of a pie
#NationalDessertDay
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13 Oct 2021
Signs it's time to find a new gym:
• Your gym is called "2.4 Hour Fitness"
• The shower is on OnlyFans
• The pool is inflatable
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11 Oct 2021
Signs you've had too much coffee:
• Your 23 and Me came back and you're 33% dark-roasted
• The cat's holding the laser pointer and you're the one chasing it
• The people at Starbucks are actually spelling your name right
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8 Oct 2021
Ways to make the DMV more fun:
- Pin the tail on the eye chart
- Change it to the "Department of Motörhead Vehicles"
- Make it a drive-through
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6 Oct 2021
Signs you have a dumb dog:
• He never responds when you ask who the good boy is.
• He chases cars. Parked ones.
• He's refusing to take the vaccine.
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5 Oct 2021
Tell me you're from the South without telling me you're from the South:
"Aww, this topic? Bless your heart."
"Have you tried this new dating app? It's called Ancestry.com."
"I have COVID."
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30 Sep 2021
Signs you're staying at a bad hotel:
• They changed the name to "Worst Western"
• When you call about the dead hooker in the bathtub, they offer to replace her with a fresh one.
• Two words: Incontinental Breakfast
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28 Sep 2021
Signs the pumpkin spice craze has gone too far:
- They added it to the Covid vaccine to make it more popular.
- Pumpkin spice tampons.
- It's April.
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24 Sep 2021
Things you shouldn't say to the President:
"Oops, I meant to say don't press that button."
"Help! Your approval has fallen and it can't get up."
"Can I borrow your son's laptop?"
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23 Sep 2021
Signs it's time to buy a new phone:
- When you dial, you are sick and tired of saying “one ringy dingy.”
- It won’t let you check your MySpace acct.
- You bought it yesterday.
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