226 Photos and videos
Feb 24
The guy who first found out that babies instinctively hold their breath underwater must have had some serious questions to answer to.
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Feb 22
We met at work.
Didn’t start dating until she quit.
HR can relax.
3 years later we’re married and heading to Disney World for our honeymoon!!
Want to sponsor a churro, Lightning Lane, or Mickey pretzel?
We’ll toast you in front of the castle.
Link below ✨
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16 Dec 2025
2004 middle school me learning about Rome: But how could such a developed and rich society collapse so suddenly?
2025 me: Oh...
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26 Oct 2025
(Wearing my jedi robe)
Guy: Who are you supposed to be?
Me: Maybe this will help. *does the hand movement for the force*
Guy: Magneto?
#xmen #StarWars #Halloween
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23 Aug 2025
I don't know how to use the word "hypothetical" in a sentence, but imagine if I could..
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14 Aug 2025
Instead of trying to invent a time machine, we should create a time that entices future time machine inventors to come back here and visit
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2 Jun 2025
"Punching bags are also hugging bags if you just calm down a little."
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16 Apr 2025
Bartender: The usual my man?
Me: yes sir
bartender: [kisses me on the forehead]
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6 Apr 2025
[Me at 30 slipping the DJ a $20] My good sir, would you turn it down a skooch
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29 Jan 2025
Stuff you say to dogs sounds super weird if you say man instead of boy .
[crouches down and looks a beagle dead in the eye] " You're a good man"
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26 Jan 2025
This is NOT what America is about. America is about *opens history book* uh oh *Frantically starts flipping though pages * uh oh. oh no. no, no, no. uh oh
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16 Jan 2025
I'm trying not to say " You guys" anymore. It's not inclusive. You're suppose to say "you all" now. It's a weird point in history where we have to say "y'all" to sound more progressive.
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16 Nov 2024
Do manatees think walruses are vampires?
At the very least they don't trust em bc of their mustaches.
#RandomThoughts #animals
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14 Nov 2024
I believe in God, but I also believe that he abandoned us long ago.
Which I understand. I'd abandon my kids too if they were still racist at age 225000. #PoliticsToday
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7 Nov 2024
If you can't think of a word say "I forget the English word for it". That way people will think you're bilingual instead of an idiot.
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16 Oct 2024
I'm having a salad for lunch, so I can have three dozen reeses peanut butter cups tonight.#trickortreat #halloween2024
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25 Sep 2024
It's socially acceptable to talk about how reliant and addicted you are to a drug as long as that drug is caffeine.
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