It was 11:30 PM. Iโd just finished a brutal double shift, my brain was completely fried, and all I wanted was a silent, mindless ride home.
The driver, a woman with a bright smile, looked at me in the rearview mirror. "Tough day, huh? Don't worry, I got the perfect remedy for that."
Before I could even request a quiet ride, she hit a button on the dashboard.
I expected music. Instead, the car speakers filled with the loud, aggressive sound of someone chewing celery directly into a high-quality microphone.
"Itโs ASMR," the driver whispered, turning it up. "Crunchy sounds. Very relaxing for the nervous system. You like it?"
I gave a weak, tight-lipped smile. "Honestly, I have a massive headache. Can we just have no audio for the ride? I'm just going to close my eyes."
"Oh, absolutely! Total silence, I get it," she said, nodding.
Two seconds passed. Then, she started tapping her long, acrylic nails aggressively against the steering wheel. Tap-tap-tap-tap.
"How about this?" she whispered loudly. "Raindrops on a tin roof. I do this for all my late-night passengers. It heals the brain."
I put my AirPods in. No music, just desperately trying to block out the tapping.
The driver noticed. She immediately adjusted the rearview mirror to lock eyes with me, leaned forward, and started heavily whispering the directions into her mounted microphone, which amplified it through the back speakers.
"In... five... hundred... feet... we... will... turn... left... onto... Main... Street... yes... we... will..."
I kept my eyes shut, praying for a red light just so I could escape. It was 20 minutes of pure psychological warfare.