Bad at hydrangeas. Ibuprofen enthusiast. We write jokes here. twitter.com/search?q=from:…
Joined December 2019
- Tweets 35,064
- Following 939
- Followers 41,275
- Likes 170,043
2,036 Photos and videos
Pinned Tweet
2 Oct 2022
I haven’t licked an envelope in over two decades without thinking of George Costanza.
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your other mom retweeted
18 Mar 2022
[on a date]
Her: I like a guy who's chill and not jealous
Me: What's his name?
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your other mom retweeted
Going to urgent care is like paying $40 to have someone else google your symptoms
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Jun 13
Does Elon know that we’re all on a first name basis with him?
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Jun 11
One day you’re young and fun and the next you are excited about a new rake.
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Jun 11
My husband and I are competing to see who gets the highest spam call personal loan offer and I am deeply invested in this.
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Jun 10
If you go to brunch and don’t get a mimosa, why are you even going to brunch?
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Flex on your husband by pressure washing the patio while he’s at work.
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Might start a side hustle where people can pay me to do their random paperwork/pay bills that they procrastinate doing.
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How dare my best friend have a life outside of me.
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your other mom retweeted
Never let anyone treat you like a orange starburst
You're a red starburst, and don't forget it
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your other mom retweeted
Jun 7
Hello Sharks,
I’m seeking $1m so I can put gas in my car this month.
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Does anyone get LESS cynical with age? I’m finding myself getting exponentially more cynical daily.
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Good morning to everyone except for people with loud cars.
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Attempted to use my printer to actually print something. Lesson learned.
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I love that my body bleeds profusely for four days a month it makes me feel completely sane and stable amen.
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