Big long tweet about competing, challengers, and my future below.
If you don't want to read all'at, TLDR: I would still like to compete but need to regain my love of the process. While I prepare myself and grind, I will be offering coaching services for supplemental income.
Discord link:
discord.gg/bwqwEqsTxb
In the last three years, my decline in the competitive space has been unquestionable and steady.
Coming from tier 1 and being a top player in the region, to being relegated out of challengers has been a truly humbling experience.
I have learned equally as much about my character and myself in my fall from grace as I had in my ascension to it, which I am grateful for, but the rumination accompanying the failures are taxing.
I have come to terms with my failures. I understand them, and I take accountability for them. I have been forced to spend a considerable amount of time seeking introspectively for the reason there has been such drastic change in myself as a player and a competitor.
Throughout the different attempts at tackling every problem I could find about myself as a player, one thing remained constant: I always felt like I was fighting an
uphill battle.
It took a lot of reflection, many good friends, teammates, and mentors for me to realize the truth; I simply have lost my love of the process. This is a difficult reality to face. Losing the very thing that brought me to heights I never thought I could reach is a brutal pill to swallow.
My rise to my peak as a player was supported by the sheer work I put in, but the critical difference is that it never felt like work. I simply loved playing val and cs, and the more hours I sunk the better and better I became. The amount of time I put into the game outside of my team practice has fallen to a minute fraction of what it was when I was at my best.
Despite the problem being clear to me, the reason for it is more complex. I believe a combination of a bad mentality, a feeling of being disconnected from the community, and poor prioritization of my mental health has led me to actively avoid the process of individual grind and improvement that I used to love.
My passion for competition and working with my teammates to improve is still very much alive. I have a strong desire to win and the feeling of winning and achieving new heights with a group of good people is unrivaled.
With all of these factors considered, I have a way forward. I will eventually continue competing as a player, and until then I will be spending some time addressing all of the issues that lead to my aversion of the grind. I plan on building myself back up as a player using the same routines that did it the first time.
I will not be actively seeking any offers for competition until I feel I have successfully reignited the same passion for the grind I once had out of respect for any potential
future teammates. I do not want to be on a roster until I am confident I am the best version of myself, or on a clear path to it.
In the meantime, as I prepare myself for competition, for supplemental income I will be starting a coaching service for both individuals and teams.
I will be looking for only a small number of clients at the moment to iron out the process. Details are in my discord:
discord.gg/bwqwEqsTxb