Neither you nor I will ever be this cool.

Overheard at the country club grill room “Hey, this Arnold Palmer tastes like golf cock!” Sorry #ArnoldPalmer. It wrote itself.

If you’re wearing sneakers with a dress suit, start running. I’m coming after your bullshit casual ass.

Best Thanksgiving sitcom episode ever.

If you are turned away at the polls because your name is not on the register, don't walk away. Say this: I REQUEST A PROVISIONAL BALLOT AS REQUIRED BY LAW. Don't let them steal your vote.

USMNT legend Tim Howard says 'fans have every right to be frustrated' with Christian Pulisic leaving the national team ahead of the Mexico match to manage his workload and rejoin with AC Milan. "Pulisic is our biggest player, our best player - and this was no normal USMNT camp. It marked the start of Pochettino’s reign and the countdown to the 2026 World Cup. No one can question his commitment to the USMNT and no one can deny that he needs to look after his body. But even if he is not playing, he should still be there - to create the culture and set an example. I have been a senior player and a big personality in the locker room. I demanded a lot of people and what I found? The moments to show your gravitas tend to come off the pitch. There were times when I was injured or on the bench. I had 100-odd caps by then but I would carry the water. Or I’d pick the kits up off the locker room floor, while players making their second or third appearance were in the shower. They were small gestures that carried an important message: when we’re in deep and I’m demanding something of you, it’s nothing I would not do myself. That’s what makes a good leader. That’s when you build trust and culture. Not by leaving camp. But by supporting the team with words and actions. But at some point Pochettino, Pulisic and the USA have to flex their muscles and tell Milan: This is how it’s going to go down. We need Christian - to play or just to be around."

White hot take from Ms. Rizzo. It could also feature pitching and hitting. Way to go out on a limb. LGM.

Nice day for a Mets win.

Bon giorno, my amazin friends. A serious face for a serious game 2. LGM.

LGM. Guinness gives me strength.

This is Howard Cosell from the grave wishing you a happy Let’s Go Mets.

Funny because it’s true.

Self centered, much? No wonder he can’t lead a team to a championship. Steph does it with or without KD.

HST would be a Mets fan.

Just deleted a booty call. Who gets horny on Yom Kippur? Good thing Jews don’t believe in hell.

I was going to fast. But I got high during the Dodger game and got serious munchies so I had some potato chips. Ok, a LOT of potato chips. So now I have to start fasting all over again. I’ll never get high instead of going to shul again.

Martha Stewart has admitted that during her marriage, she cheated on her husband. But, you know, tastefully, with a white guy on expensive sheets.

“Good evening and welcome to the biggest night on the Jewish calendar. Yom Kippur. I’m your host Howard Cosell. Let’s meet the rabbinical staff here at Temple Ohr Ha Torah…”

Nobody text me. I’m very busy committing last minute sins for YK.

LGM Phuck the Phillies