Comedian/writer/actor living in Grand Rapids, MI who's taking his time with this stardom thing.
Joined April 2009
- Tweets 1,704
- Following 644
- Followers 2,104
- Likes 1,004
Photos and videos
20 Jul 2025
While completely childish and totally unoriginal, I will ALWAYS giggle when someone answers a question by saying, “Your Mom.”
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30 May 2025
Every time I clean out my ear with a Q-tip, I do it with the same delicacy and precision I’d use if I were diffusing a bomb so that I don’t rupture my eardrum.
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26 Feb 2025
Integrity means being the tip of the spear even when you don’t want to be.
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21 Feb 2025
I haven’t worn my smartwatch in two weeks and I feel like a drunk who’s finally had my ankle tether removed. So GD freeing.
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16 Feb 2025
Wordle in 2 for the second time in a week. Public schools, baby.
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12 Feb 2025
Take it from an empty nester and pace yourself on all this parenting stuff. There’s gonna be a stretch where they hate you no matter what.
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8 Feb 2025
If I learned anything from the grumpy octogenarian lady in front of me at the bakery this morning, it’s this…in life, there are no age restrictions when it comes to being a piece of #%*$.
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8 Feb 2025
My goal is to be buried in a pine box coffin covered in scars and memories. And not penniless…but close.
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30 Jan 2025
I used to be 5’7”. At my last physical, I measured just UNDER 5’6”. I scratched out the numbers…if I continue to shrink at this current rate, I’ll be 2’9” when I’m 80.
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29 Jan 2025
At the age of 56, I’ve taken up learning a little Romanian. Last night, I learned that “Nosferatu” means “stupid movie”.
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28 Jan 2025
Try to imagine the first thing that pops into somebody’s head is when your name is mentioned. If it’s not the image you want, change it.
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15 Jan 2025
“I’m pretty sure Pete Hegseth bird dogged my girlfriend.” I’ll bet you there’s a lot of dudes who could say that.
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23 Aug 2024
By the way, when I say I'm looking for a "happy medium", I'm not looking for a palm reader with a smile on their face.
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16 Aug 2024
There's a simple rule in life...you can only be an a-hole for so long and it will catch up to you.
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8 Jul 2024
Does anyone have a “Lord Almighty” costume lying around? I have an idea.
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7 Jul 2024
Every guy who’s ever tried to explain Crypto to me is the same guy who tried bird-doggin’ my prom date right in front of me. #horseshit #shutup #daviddyercomedy
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2 Dec 2023
At a certain point, you have to ask yourself, “Do I want to die at 80 with a big smile on my face or do I want to make it to 95 with 6-pack abs and a frown?” Point is, have that cookie…
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29 Nov 2023
When you have to change or cancel plans with someone and they say , “Hey, you’re not gonna break my heart”, what they’re really saying is that they didn’t want to do what they were going to do with you anyway. #justsoyouknow
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28 Nov 2023
For the record, I’m a ton of fun if we’re doing all the stuff I like to do.
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