I do the best tweets
Joined December 2012
- Tweets 23,729
- Following 605
- Followers 29,248
- Likes 399,899
858 Photos and videos
Pinned Tweet
15 Jan 2016
[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?
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eEric retweeted
8 Oct 2017
WOMAN: some people shouldn't have children
ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you
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eEric retweeted
9 Sep 2013
I don't think Alexander Graham Bell intended for us to watch porn over the telephone.
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19 May 2024
My wife wants to join a cross training gym but she’s not sure if it’ll be too much for her so I suggested she start off slowly by turning off all the lights before she goes to bed.
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12 May 2024
Seems like just yesterday I was reading instructions on how to open a box of wine and now I can open it with one hand in the car.
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eEric retweeted
25 Feb 2016
NASA: you've been selected to spend a year on the space station
ME: wow that's awesome
NASA: you and your entire family!
ME: oh ok no thanks
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eEric retweeted
21 Jan 2019
30 days has September
April June and November
All the rest have 31
Except January which has 4,000
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eEric retweeted
28 Dec 2016
People say I'm a terrible father, but when my four year old broke his collar bone, who's the guy that dropped him off at the emergency room?
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eEric retweeted
16 Mar 2016
Parenthood: When you make enough money to live an exciting, comfortable, stress free life, but decide to have kids instead.
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27 Nov 2023
Wouldn’t it make more sense to watch what you want on Netflix then cancel and get Max then cancel and get Disney and so on… instead of paying for 7,000,000 shows at the same time.
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26 Nov 2023
tv apps cost 15.99 per month then want to charge you 4.99 to watch home alone
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eEric retweeted
27 Oct 2023
They say motherhood is the hardest job on earth. Not the way I do it.
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12 Sep 2023
boss: this company is more profitable than ever
me: how about a raise?
boss: sorry i have to take this call
me: your phone isn’t ringing
boss: [fakes heart attack]
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eEric retweeted
4 Sep 2023
Approach life with the grotesque zeal of a husband and wife realtor team at a neighborhood mixer.
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25 Aug 2023
Is it “I’d rather work at a cemetery” or “in a cemetery” I want my two weeks notice to be perfect.
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23 Aug 2023
Instead of paying for your child’s college education, why not give them $300,000 to buy a home.
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23 Aug 2023
If you spend any amount of money on a degree and still live with your parents at 30 years old you should be able to sue that school for malpractice.
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eEric retweeted
20 Aug 2023
DATE: do you like kids
ME: not mine
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5 Aug 2023
Artificial Intelligence stole my job but quit after two days.
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