@ess profile picture
Tess @ess

can pass a Turing test.

Joined April 2007
  • Tweets 1,256
  • Following 196
  • Followers 235
10 Photos and videos
Tess@ess
17 Oct 2025
Pickle jar openings are suspiciously sized to easily let a moderately sized woman raid them bared handed at close to 1 in the morning.
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Tess@ess
13 Jun 2021
Does anyone else drunk call their mum about lasagne?
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Tess@ess
12 Dec 2018
Is there a coffee version of "chain smoking"? I need it to describe my life.
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Tess@ess
7 Dec 2017
Sushi-Training the pain away.
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Tess@ess
10 Nov 2017
Technology always runs better when you make encouraging kissy noises at it.
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Tess@ess
22 Oct 2017
The eternal question: Am I too drunk to go to the supermarket...?
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Tess@ess
18 Nov 2016
Millions of years from now, an advanced civilisation will uncover my gif collection and worship me as a god.
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Tess@ess
28 Sep 2016
I have a sudden and very specific urge to play Diablo II. I blame the germs on public transport.
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Tess@ess
4 Aug 2016
My thumb won't unlock my phone because chocolate chip muffin.
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Tess@ess
17 Mar 2016
I've started giving random cat photos I find on the internet names. #catlesscatlady
Tess retweeted
Edward Snowden
@Snowden
8 Oct 2015
Three cats and you're a cat lady, right? But nobody ever called a guy a cat lord. #catlords
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Tess@ess
7 Jul 2015
When you don't have time for dinner because you're too busy stalking Taylor Swift on Instagram. #firstworldproblems
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Tess@ess
4 Apr 2015
Using a spoon to cut my Brie because there are no clean knives #justgirlthings
Tess@ess
18 Sep 2014
Tore a shoulder muscle & lost the ability to touch my head. Havent washed hair in more than a week. Someone just wrote ‘wash me’ in the dirt
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Tess@ess
2 Jul 2014
Hamsters are just bunnies without reception.
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Tess@ess
12 Jun 2014
If I had my way I’d spend the rest of the work day walking around mooing at people.
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Tess@ess
1 May 2014
just attempted to operate her computer with a hairbrush. Was confounded by this for the better part of 2 minutes. Works in the IT sector.
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Tess@ess
11 Apr 2014
"I don't think celine dion has any openings on her body" - @nickuuuuu
Tess@ess
26 Mar 2014
I think I may have committed a crime against fitness by getting melted chocolate on my running tights...
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Tess@ess
27 Feb 2014
Auto tuned throat singing.
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