Joined October 2011
- Tweets 3,580
- Following 556
- Followers 2,391
- Likes 18,354
99 Photos and videos
27 Sep 2023
When I say "I'm expensing this" that just means I'm making my boyfriend pay for it
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20 Sep 2023
The quality of sweaters has declined so greatly in the last twenty years that I think it genuinely necessitates a national conversation
20 Sep 2023
Ben Schwartz recreates Billy Crystal’s look from ‘WHEN HARRY MET SALLY…’
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19 Sep 2023
POV you’re the bartender at a wedding
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2 Sep 2023
I’m sorry but I love them
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30 Jul 2023
I’ve never seen someone assume a more perfect stance for gossip
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7 Jul 2023
That time I hung my lovely gold Barney Gumble sign in the kitchen but quickly had to find a new place for it thanks to its terrifying reflection
ALT A gold leaf sign of Barney Gumble from The Simpsons burping, with a pink background and white frame
ALT Reflection of Barney Gumble with no pupils on a white kitchen wall
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5 Jul 2023
At work we use this drain cleaner called “Enzikem” and I just feel like some white couple would love to name their daughter that
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28 Jun 2023
I need my next partner to be absolutely looney tunes for me. Like, heart exploding from chest, tongue rolling out into a carpet, bonking themselves on the head with a hammer when they see me until little birds circle them, etc etc
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16 Jun 2023
I just ran into my former foster dog in the street and it was like that guy who sees his lion friend for the first time in ten years
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7 May 2023
Tonight, a mom joined the grieving parents FB group I belong to.
Her son was killed 22 mass shootings ago.
He was killed in a mass shooting last week.
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29 Apr 2023
I wonder how many good books I missed out on because they looked like this
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18 Apr 2023
“can you explain the gaps in your resume?” yes that was when I worked really weird jobs that I don’t want you to know about
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20 Mar 2023
Feel like mental health has pretty safely hit the “breast cancer zone,” where literally everyone is now aware of it but awareness campaigns are all we are ever gonna get when what we really need is free universal healthcare
20 Mar 2023
Jason Sudeikis and the cast of “Ted Lasso” make a visit the White House to discuss the importance of talking about mental health.
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12 Feb 2023
Girl who starts acting weird bc she’s nervous that she is acting weird
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26 Dec 2022
.@SouthwestAir your solo desk agent worked 16 hours, was asked to keep working because of canceled flights. They broke down crying at the desk. This employee treatment is not ok.
I can be chill about weather/computer issues, but abusing your workers will make me switch airlines.
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23 Oct 2022
I asked my bf to take a pic of me and when I asked to see it he was like “honestly you don’t want to see this” can’t tell if that’s the nicest or meanest thing anyones ever done for me
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18 Oct 2022
Every time there’s another birthday in the office and someone asks me to contribute $15 to their gift
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