I'm 5'6" soaking wet
Joined March 2009
- Tweets 9,038
- Following 334
- Followers 1,666
- Likes 4,153
59 Photos and videos
11 Nov 2025
The most effective way to get friends to come out & celebrate your birthday is to tell them it’s your last one.
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18 Sep 2025
My landlord died. To honor him, my rent will be at half-check.
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5 Sep 2025
If I won the $1.7B powerball jackpot I’d get rid of that usb-to-car cigarette lighter adapter for my iPod and upgrade to a 3.5mm-to-lightning aux. cable.
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5 Sep 2025
Rather than navigate the DMV website to apply for a “Real ID”, I’ve decided to move to Iran.
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5 Sep 2025
Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime. Teach a man how to Dougie and you get your teaching certification revoked.
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26 Aug 2025
A self-driving Jaguar has stopped, holding up all the cars in the middle of a Whole Foods parking lot. This is Waymo problematic than we imagined.
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30 Jun 2025
My dad used to be a Greek god. If he found out that I’ve never been to the ocean, he’d be Poseidon self.
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17 Jun 2025
If you took all the people waiting in line for In-N-Out, sneakers, video games and 7-11 lottery tickets you’d have a workforce.
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13 May 2025
If you get arrested in Hollywood, you should slate during your mugshot. #Hollywood
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13 May 2025
available name for breakfast/brunch establishment:
“Cereal Crêpeist”
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23 Feb 2025
Can’t believe Celine Dion never did a Dion covers album. ‘Dion does Dion.’ What a gyp. Wasted talent…
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10 Feb 2025
Next terrorist attack on U.S. soil, Biden gets to say “Not it!”
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10 Feb 2025
Everything that comes out of Trump’s mouth is about as nonsensical as a level 1 improv class showcase.
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5 Feb 2025
I swatted at a spider. It got away among some of my coats hanging on the rack. I am now the villain in this bug’s ‘John Wick’ film.
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