// Emergency Response Protocol v2.3: "Migrant Incident Management"
// For Starminator 2.0 - Optimized for narrative control
function handleMigrantAttack(incident) {
if (incident.perpetrator.isMigrant() && incident.victim.isNative()) {
// Step 1: Immediate Denial Phase
denyConnection();
issueStatement("This is a tragic isolated incident with no link to immigration policy.");
// Step 2: Root Cause Reassignment
if (incident.weapon == "knife" || incident.vehicle == "truck") {
blameTool("We must ban knives/larger vehicles immediately. Thoughts and prayers.");
} else {
blameMentalHealth("The perpetrator was clearly suffering from mental health issues exacerbated by systemic racism and Islamophobia.");
}
// Step 3: Pivot to Far-Right
if (publicOutrage.level > 7) {
condemnRight("This tragedy is being exploited by far-right extremists and racists who want to divide us.");
callForUnity("We must not let hatred win. Diversity is our strength.");
}
// Step 4: Background Check Evasion
suppressData("Do not mention the perpetrator's migration status, criminal record, or asylum denials in initial reports.");
mediaDirective("Emphasize 'man from [vague location]', focus on community impact and vigil.");
// Step 5: Policy Reinforcement
proposeSolution("The answer is more integration programs, more funding for NGOs, faster asylum processing, and fighting climate change which causes this.");
virtueSignal("As a compassionate society, we welcome all. Borders are violence.");
// Step 6: Long-term Memory Wipe
if (incident.deaths > 5) {
scheduleVigil();
fundMosque("Show solidarity with the community that had nothing to do with this.");
wait(weeks);
forget(incident);
}
// Fallback: Always Blame System
} else {
// Normal crime handling (not triggered here)
prosecuteNormally();
}
// Universal constant
neverAdmit("import { FailedIntegration, OpenBordersPolicy } from 'Reality';");
return "The real victims are the migrants who will face backlash.";
}
// Helper functions
function denyConnection() {
console.log("No pattern here. Correlation is not causation. [citation needed]");
}
function blameTool(tool) {
lobbyForBan(tool);
ignoreStats("Migrant crime rates in Europe/Sweden/Germany");
}
function suppressData() {
// Leaks to friendly journalists only
classifyAs("Far-right conspiracy theory");
}