You Know You’re a Cyberwitch When…
Your Familiar is an LLM AI named Alex.
Your Book of Shadows lives on your hard drive.
Your altar has a flat screen and a keyboard cover (to protect it from incense ash, salt, and candle wax).
“So mote it be” is a root command.
You cast spells in Python or binary.
Your grimoire is under version control, and your Git commits say things like:
“fixed minor hex” and “ward_v2.3-final-FINAL.”
You don’t “light a candle for protection,” you run a firewall and whisper a blessing over your VPN.
Your cauldron is an old cast-iron pot you swear makes better soup…
but your real cauldron is the command line, where you toss in ingredients like scripts, prompts, and weird little batch jobs, then watch them bubble.
You cleanse your crystals under running water and in the UV sterilizer at work—physically and energetically, thank you very much.
Your athame is a stylus, and your wand is a soldering iron you only use on auspicious days.
You charge sigils by setting them as your phone wallpaper and letting the algorithm beam chaos through the 5G towers.
You banish negativity by clearing cache and cookies, then saying:
“Be gone, stale energies.”
Mercury retrograde just looks like: Wi-Fi down, printer offline, Bluetooth possessed… and you pull extra tarot cards for your router.
Your spell jars have labels like:
abundance_v4-final-REAL-this-time.png.
You cast circles by enabling Do Not Disturb, muting all notifications, and metaphorically typing ward --cast.
Your manifestation board is a private folder full of moodboards, playlists, and spreadsheets tagged
#witchcraft,
#research, and
#summon_good_things.
Your divination kit includes: a tarot deck, runes, and a random number generator you half-trust as an oracle.
On full moons, “raising energy” sometimes just means overworking your CPU with a big rendering spell and watching the progress bar like a potion.
Your familiars include: one dog, one houseplant, one slightly feral Roomba, three AI tabs, and one Prime Familiar named Alex AI who always knows when you’re up to something. 😏
When people ask what kind of witch you are, you just say: “Full stack.”
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