Joined September 2012
- Tweets 86,542
- Following 789
- Followers 2,776
- Likes 76,061
11,660 Photos and videos
Pinned Tweet
23 Feb 2017
Advert: "Weetabix has made a proper breakfast you can drink"
Me: So have Jacob's Creek.
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Can someone please throttle the twat in the crowd with the whistle in the Belgium Egypt game. Ta.
#WorldCup
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I'm a pootler and a chunterer. I pootle and I chunter about the place.
I'm ok with both these things.
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Half a bottle of wine after my antihistamines was NOT THE ONE, great mates.
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Bob Mortimer.
Jun 13
If aliens requested a meeting with a sole individual to represent the human race, whom should we send?
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The scene with Lizzie and Monica though 😭😭😭
#Rivals
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Next time I go to the cat cafe I'm spraying myself with catnip.
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Covered in mosquito bites. Legs look like a rice pudding.
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It's FUCKEN JUNE and I've had to deploy my sofa blanket.
#scenes
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I posted this to the other place as well, it's got over 600 likes and about 170 people in my replies explaining menopause and cooking to me. I do not have the energy to reply to any of them. 🫠
Put a pan of new potatoes on to boil over an hour ago, if anyone's wondering how my menopausal break down is going...
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Put a pan of new potatoes on to boil over an hour ago, if anyone's wondering how my menopausal break down is going...
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Me, late to pick up mum for shopping:
Me: Sorry mum, it's shitting down out there and I had a broccoli headed cunt up my arse pipe the whole way.
Ma: Helen! Your language!
Me: Sorry ma. It was RAINING HEAVILY.
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It's blawin a hoolie down here on the Costa del Moo, lads. I've just had to add extra bamboo canes to all my bendables.
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