Divorced. Ex PGA Tour Caddie. Hater. Utah Grad ‘74. Fuck me, Fight me, or Take a picture. Banned at 25K.
Joined September 2022
- Tweets 6,665
- Following 485
- Followers 1,982
- Likes 74,446
642 Photos and videos
Pinned Tweet
27 Apr 2024
Put a little Zyn spit on my 56° and immediately chipped in after. You do the math, liberal.
48
1,133
20,222
1,674,902
Jun 12
30yo buddy just added “low key” to his vocabulary
I’ve been combating this by adding “on the highest of keys” anytime something is very obvious.
Our wives are both sleeping w very large black men at the moment.
1
43
5,438
I used to smoke weed out of empty beer cans and now I’m particular about which spring water I drink, makes me want to kick my own ass
1
2
38
8,732
May 31
To this day my dad still thinks my playing career ending cause my “heart wasn’t in it”- dude has no idea I started flipping 8 balls at 17 years old and am legally responsible for at least 2 flat lines
1
211
Rick Rollance retweeted
Condoms dont really guarantee full protection during sex. A friend of mine was wearing one and he got shot by the girls boyfriend.
534
8,117
98,077
2,009,887
May 21
I think my podunk little Texas town is one heisman trophy winner away from getting a Sonic
1
1
121
May 15
If we met one time 5 years ago in a loud bar and I randomly text you wishing you happiness and success- just know I am on COMMERCIAL levels of Vyvanse
6
454
May 10
Instagram so good on Mother’s Day my Ukrainian VPN gets the day off
2
145
Anytime my wifi lags mid goon I always look out my window like someone cut the breaker and I’m being ambushed (basic white guy, no threatening ops except one biker at Red’s that thinks I fucked his old lady)
3
167
Apr 29
Proudly looking over my lawn as the high school kid I paid $40 to do it loads up his push mower onto his parents golf cart
3
133
Apr 23
Went through a DUI checkpoint last night leaving the game. Guy asked I’d been drinking, I said no (lie), and he just let me go through. See what happens if you don’t reach and “axe whatchu pool me ova fo”?
7
42
3,515
296,968
Apr 13
At the Rolls Royce dealership putting fingerprints on everything and saying “hmmm” as I scratch my chin and ask about interiors
1
10
1,579
Apr 12
Dropped my Marlboros at church and they rolled down the aisle like a Campbells can
32
1,228
Rick Rollance retweeted
Apr 7
If you think about it, a scientists whole job is to fuck around and find out
295
20,501
192,861
1,944,967
This and that sloppy where she spits on it and smacks it on her face and shit
1
21
1,139
Nothing funnier than watching an Amish family try and operate a self check out
6
304
Just blinkered pulling out of my driveway, not having a great brain day today. Dick looks good tho.
1
6
313