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Shit My Players Say @igotplot

Welcome to Shit My Players Say. I’m a DM for #dnd5e and I love my players dearly. But sometimes... they sure do say some shit.

Joined January 2020
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Rogue: What’s the plan? Warlock: We’re supposed to have a plan? Barbarian: I’m unfamiliar. What’s a “plan”? #DnD #ttrpg #ShitMyPlayersSay
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Warlock: Well it’s kinda like... what do you know about batteries? Artificer: What do YOU know about batteries? Rogue: Battery, like, assault? #DnD #ttrpg #ShitMyPlayersSay
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Villain Party: *kills 3 local heroes* Ghost Rogue: I hope they don’t come back as ghosts. That would be awkward for me. #VillainOneshot #DnD #ttrpg #ShitMyPlayersSay
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[Introducing their villain oneshot characters] Ghost Rogue: Her name is Bertha Mason. Loosely inspired, of course. Bard: Is she— Ghost Rogue: She’s still violently insane, but like, in a feminist way! #VillianOneshot #JaneEyre #DnD #ttrpg #ShitMyPlayersSay
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Lapine: Did you grow up in a CULT?! Human: Well... how do you define cult? Dragonborn: If she has to ask, that means yes. Lapine: Well, what gods do you worship? Human: ...the normal ones? Lapine: oh no #DnD #ttrpg #WizardCampaign #ShitMyPlayersSay
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Cleric: *casts zone of truth* Cleric: Do you like my armor? Barbarian: Fuck you. And that’s the TRUTH. #DnD #ttrpg #ShitMyPlayersSay
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Rogue: I forget that when I stab people... they die. #DnD #ttrpg #ShitMyPlayersSay
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Warlock: We didn’t purchase our horses. If they’re stolen, it’s fine. Ranger: But we’ve established a bond! Barbarian: If anything happens to [my horse] I will kill everyone here and then myself. Warlock: ...that seems like a slight overreaction #DnD #ttrpg #ShitMyPlayersSay
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*Upon the party meeting the Warlock’s friends from home* Rogue: Your friends are shifty... Warlock: YOU’RE shifty! Rogue: I know! #DnD #ttrpg #ShitMyPlayersSay
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*Discussing a dinner party* Warlock: Weapons will be checked at the door. No weapons at the table. Rogue: What?? Barbarian: I’m confused. What do you mean by NO weapons? Warlock: Rogue: Can’t I just carry my fancy dagger? Warlock: ...fine #DnD #ttrpg #ShitMyPlayersSay
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Rogue: Can I pick the lock? DM: There does not appear to be a door handle, or lock. Rogue: Well... fuck. #DnD #ttrpg #ShitMyPlayersSay
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*Druid obtains pet butterfly* Druid: There’s no minimum intelligence for speak with animals, right? DM: Correct! But... you’ll get butterfly brain responses. Druid: That’s okay! I just want to tell him I love him! #DnD #ttrpg #ShitMyPlayersSay
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Rogue: Wait... can I hide behind [the barbarian] for partial cover!? #DnD #ttrpg #ShitMyPlayersSay
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Ranger: If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you? Rogue: Uh, totally #DnD #ttrpg #ShitMyPlayersSay
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Warlock: Okay, so I cast healing word DM: What do you say? Warlock: ...PUSSYYYY Druid: Oh, I feel much better! DM: *facepalms* #DnD #ttrpg #ShitMyPlayersSay
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*Party finds mysterious potentially-magical red liquid in a dungeon* Rogue: I kinda wanna taste the random cave liquid... Party: NO Rogue: I taste the random cave liquid! #DnD #ttrpg #ShitMyPlayersSay
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Me, the DM: introduces a mysterious old woman NPC in fey-filled woods Ranger: New bff! Thanks for the tea! Have a gift! Rogue: Sure, paint my eye to hang on your wall! Warlock: She should come with us! NPCs traveling w/ the party: WHAT THE FUCK #dnd #ttrpg #ShitMyPlayersSay
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Warlock: You said fey? DM: Who’s on watch? Warlock: Imma make out with a fairy! Ranger: I’ll watch. WAIT. Watch the road! #dnd #ttrpg #ShitMyPlayersSay
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“What ~exactly~ do you mean by a Beastial Lord?” #dnd #ttrpg #ShitMyPlayersSay
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Player: He’s an incel! All clerics are incels. DM: Roll perception. Player: 11 DM: He’s not a cleric. Player: But he is an incel ? DM: NO ! #dnd #ttrpg #ShitMyPlayersSay
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