I sat under a tree and I imagined my shame, I imagined it dispersing into thousands of droplets, each droplet falling softly onto a leaf of the tree, the tree absorbs it, all of it, uses it as fuel, turns it into oxygen, something good and useful and kind

I’ve been pondering and marinating in the idea of what a p*treon would look like for me since October, I’m so excited about it, what I am most excited about is sending snail mail out with blue trinkets and other physical items I collect, I love the virtual world, I love the physical world, and I really love merging them, come join my snail mail club !!! my first one will be sent out as soon as I get back from Japan !!!

this is a conversation I recorded back in march with one of my dearest friends, we’ve been growing and building together since 2018 and my love for her only blossoms more over the years, she is wise, she is bold, she is graceful, she chases her dreams like they are a picture she’s already seen in a photo book somewhere and she must only return to them and say yes, she loves in a way I aim to love and she’s also not afraid to piss somebody off and laugh maniacally about it behind closed doors, I love her to the ends of the earth, come listen to us talking about 0:00-3:09 // anonymously intro 3:10-4:11 // pressure is a privilege 4:12-10:26 // on being blue 10:27-16:20 // working as a woman dreaming of motherhood 16:21-29:36 // female friendships over time 29:37-52:33 // God, religion, growing up with God, how do you know what you're feeling is real? 52:34-59:56 // loss, the world opening up or staying small, coming back to prayer through grief 59:57-1:01:35 // playfulness, joy, presence 1:01:36-1:17:15 // working with friends, respect feels like trust, the blueprint amen I love you sister

being wholly desired and known by someone is not a kink, it’s a human need so many have buried out of hurt or fear or pain that it gets categorized as an anomaly, you don’t need permission, just belief

when this account was smaller, everyone who found their way here had already said yes to me, or so it felt, they wanted to be here, they wanted to hear what I had to say, and there was something about that permission that made a certain kind of sharing possible for me, the kind that requires the reader to already be leaning in, but the internet grows things and that’s beautiful, but what I share now tends to find its way into hands that didn’t ask for it, into hands that don’t understand me at all, and that’s no one’s fault, that’s how the internet works, but I’ve been missing that feeling, the container where people are actively choosing to be present with me, where the yes is already in the room before I start speaking soo I made that space again, a space with permission fully given, it’s where I'll be putting the writing and the voice memos from the forest and the recorded conversations that require permission to exist and be received with open arms rather than closed hearts, if you’ve ever wanted more of whatever this is I’m trying to show and share and give to the world, this is where more of it lives now episode one of 'anonymously' is up now, with another on the way, recorded conversations with people I love dearly, without identity so directly attached, I hope it feels like something you can put on and feel like you're hanging out with friends while you drive or cook or clean, lĩñk įň bīø or search lapislagoons on pätrėõņ

one of the biggest bottlenecks of AI imo is you can only truly rely on it for something you can intelligently check its work on

there’s so much I’ve avoided in my life out of an avoidance of disappointment,, there’s no use in that absolutely none

guys, it’s time to mobilize, this is your moment, it’s time to fall in love

sometimes anger is love

there's a dance God is choreographing on my behalf and I feel like the luckiest girl in the world to be performing at his wish

I’ve had a few dreams in my life that I am certain are a snapshot from the future, they are all of love, me and a figure in the distance in different locations, it’s very auspicious but I’m certain those moments will take place at some time with my forever man, they pop in my head from time to time, not often, maybe a couples times a year and sometimes a new one gets added like a page to the scrapbook of my future

come listen to me talk, link in bio

my general stance on life is I can’t wait to see what happens, the suspense and curiosity of my own path forward has me on the edge of my seat

perhaps desire shouldn’t feel like stretching towards something and instead feel like stretching towards myself

special shout out to @lapislagoons for introducing me to the unfiltered stream of consciousness posting game

I’m obsessed with Shelby’s mind, if you don’t follow her you should, she is 📈

Lapis was one of my absolute favorite mutuals and has become an incredible, loving friend to me. Her work is magnificently vulnerable, poetic, intimate, and thought provoking. She has a way of saying things many of us are too scared to share. Her writing is like a peony unfolding and a waterfall of numbers and symbols and the call of a bird you’ve heard before but never identified all at once. If you like my words, I can nearly guarantee you’ll love hers. And if you already love her words (as I know many of you do) I can promise you’ll equally love hearing her speak them. Her voice is delightfully soothing and perfectly matches her style of writing. Enjoy, see you over there 💙