Cat inspector. Insect puns bug me... History always re-tweets itself.
Joined April 2011
- Tweets 59,191
- Following 4,264
- Followers 2,698
- Likes 353,403
15,282 Photos and videos
Pinned Tweet
12 Dec 2020
Once you see Cookie Monster, you can’t unsee it.
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Jun 11
Football coming home with a bucket of vindaloo to find his wife in bed with another sport.
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Jun 11
#OpeningCeremony I was waiting for that Mexican band to turn into something out of From Dusk Till Dawn.
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May 14
Me: Buys toaster.
Amazon: Thanks. You may also be interested in this selection of other toasters.
Me: Another toaster is literally the last thing I need right now.
Amazon: BUY ANOTHER FUCKING TOASTER!! LOOK AT THEM ALL!!
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May 4
If someone opened a throat lozenge stand outside The Crucible for the snooker they would make a fortune. #WorldSnookerFinal
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May 1
Never have so many people simultaneously said or thought the word "re-rack." #WorldSnooker
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Mar 21
Was supposed to meet my mate tonight but he's cancelled because his wife just gave birth to their first child. He's known that baby half a day and he's known me 30 years. Fuming.
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Mar 18
I asked AI to generate a pic of me resembling Alan Partridge mid-Toblerone crisis.
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Mar 16
I checked and checked the numbers but still couldn't believe it! After years and years of trying I have finally done it!
9 30 23 3 20 26. I have finally managed to get a doctors appointment!
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Mar 16
Fun Fact: If you bang two horses together you get the sound of a coconut running or something.
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Mar 13
I thought it was "No more wars!" when it was actually "No, more wars!" Lack of punctuation costs lives.
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Mar 12
So a team will not be playing in the FIFA World Cup because they are currently being bombed by the FIFA Peace Prize winner. Make it make sense. 🙄
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Mar 7
Me: If you have a blood transfusion and the next day cut yourself at the scene of a crime you've committed, will the person who donated your blood be incriminated?
Interviewer: I meant any questions about the job?
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