I look at you and feel the same, could you forgive me for that pain
Joined February 2009
- Tweets 180,489
- Following 910
- Followers 31,711
- Likes 80,214
5,877 Photos and videos
Pinned Tweet
13 Mar 2017
I rewrote "Nowhere Man" so it's about being online
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Jun 9
Modern women are not interested in men, all they really want is to get Lyme disease
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May 31
Big news everyone, I just ordered a Cubano Sandeich at El Super Pan
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May 31
Why did Facebook think I needed to see this, what have I been looking at that led me here?
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May 22
One of the best feelings in the world is revisiting an album you’ve loved for a long time and discovering a previously overlooked song deeply speaks to who you are now. Enter “I just wasn’t made for these times”
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May 19
I have asked Charles numerous questions about his brain size and he has chosen to plead the 5th
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May 17
I'm having my girlfriend freeze her eggs so when we are older we can have a kid omelette
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May 5
I know I have a lot of Canadian friends and followers on here. I thought Canada was a chill country. You guys need to calm the fuck down.
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Apr 17
The Internet and phones are down at work, which is a good time to remind you. If you airdrop something to another dude, that dude is your husband now and you’re gay
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Apr 12
Please Trump, unblock the strait of Hormel, I need that god damn chili
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Apr 6
I love to eat 3 bags of gummi bears a night and if anyone questions me about it, I tell them I’m rediscovering my passion
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Mar 17
So life is a never ending labyrinth of insecurities, economic anxiety and an unstable world order on the verge of all out war? Well let me ask you question? Have you ever tried Mocktails?
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Mar 12
The first time Dr.David Banner turned into the Hulk was when they added an 18% gratuity to his check at Olive Garden because there was a party of 8
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Mar 1
He tried to warn us, but we weren’t ready to hear it
19 Sep 2014
Are society, has turned mental...
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Feb 12
Most mental illnesses can be cured by wearing “barefoot” shoes for 30 days
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Feb 11
I finally watched the Bad Bunny halftime show. The thing I’m most curious about is why the worlds most successful pop artist wears clothes from Chess King circa 1991
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Feb 8
Bad News Comrades: I’ve received information that ICE has raided the Puppy Bowl and apprehended a chihuahua by the name of Churro
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Jan 15
Bad news friends, An ICE agent has shot Spuds Mackenzie after mistaking him for the Yo Quiero Taco Bell Chihuahua
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Jan 15
The people who shop at my local grocery store have a lot of issues
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Jan 14
When a woman is ready to mate, she builds a ship in a bottle. Then she gives it to a man and he pees in the bottle. Thats how you make a baby
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