Before I go to sleep, I wish to share something with my Orthodox friends—something that has been instrumental in my healing on my catechumen journey.
Years ago, during my pre-seminary studies, I had a strange, deep yearning to physically hug Jesus. I was severely depressed, and like Paul, all I wanted was to depart and be with Him (Phil. 1:21). During this time, I had an intense dream where I was standing before Jesus. I never saw His face because I couldn't bring myself to look Him in the eye. Neither could I bring myself to grasp Him with my arms, as much as I wanted to. I could only remain on my hands and knees, crying. So all I saw were His sandaled feet and the bottom of His white robe.
I wasn't expecting Him to speak, but He said, "Why are you so downcast?" I answered, "I am not worthy of You." All He said in reply was, "Follow Me."
Finally, I looked up, and He was already a distance to a mountain with a cave in it. I followed Him into the cave. It was dark all around. Then suddenly, I felt myself going up, and as I looked up, I saw a light getting bigger and brighter. When I reached it, I felt an inexplicable warmth that filled me to the brim, and then I instantly woke up.
I don't know how to explain that warmth. It wasn't the warmth of being too warm from summer heat, or from drinking too much wine or whiskey. It was like I was being completely changed from the inside, and it was the best feeling I ever felt.
After the dream, my yearning to physically touch Jesus never went away. It's still with me. I thought maybe I'd get some satisfaction in the Lord's Supper as the Lutherans practice it (my former tradition). But it never subsided, though I had believed in the real presence and forgiveness of sins it gives.
It wasn't until I first started to kiss the feet of Jesus on my Parable of the Sower icon that I finally felt my first inkling of that satisfaction. It's as Tertullian writes, "No man will love the picture of his wife without taking care of it and honoring and crowning it. The likeness partakes with the reality in the privileged honor" (The Five Books Against Marcion 5.18). And Gregory of Nyssa, "The image is so called if it keeps its resemblance to the prototype" (On the Making of Humanity 16.3).
I think maybe that was the beginning of my journey into Orthodoxy, though of course I didn't know it. Because in retrospect, the more I've sought Christ—to follow Him—the more He's led me to His true Church, which is His Body. It began in small ways before I even knew what Orthodoxy was (like certain books, people, and Church Fathers), and then finally in a big way when the Lutheran Church no longer wanted me.
I suppose this is a long way of saying: I understand now why we say icons are windows into Heaven, because finally, I get to reach through the veil—mysteriously—and kiss my Savior's feet. And I thus long all the more for the true Eucharist.
Pax,
Ricky