Standup. Writer. Pasta man.
Joined September 2012
- Tweets 165
- Following 586
- Followers 895
- Likes 816
20 Photos and videos
Pinned Tweet
9 Nov 2020
My first standup album has been released & you should check it out! (Link in bio)
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Brian Parise retweeted
3 May 2021
#ThisWeekatGoodnights: Wednesday show with @parisecomedy @IamChrisPorter takes on the weekend! Grab tickets: bit.ly/2N7PhlY
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3 May 2021
Hey if u got people in Raleigh, tell em to come out Wed night!
1 May 2021
Coming up: Don't miss a night of laughs with Raleigh-favorite @parisecomedy on May 5! Grab your tickets today: bit.ly/334cPQM
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28 Apr 2021
I wonder if people who hated Hitler ever wore Nazi-style hats that said MADE YA LOOK, JEWS ROCK
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24 Mar 2021
Me doing my favorite thing (talking pasta) with the wonderful Jackie Kashian.
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11 Mar 2021
Ok given Cuomo, Giuliani, DeBlasio, Scaramucci, and Avenatti, I propose we Italians agree to a 3-year ban from politics in exchange for an unproblematic holiday (James Gandolfini Day) and a promise from everyone to stop pronouncing “gnocchi” wrong.
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8 Mar 2021
Me interviewing Prince Harry:
“So, were you like...the Jack, or is that just a playing card thing? Sorry, I tried to prep for this by watching ‘The Crown,’ but I couldn’t get into it.”
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24 Feb 2021
Let’s bring back the mafia but they only kill people who don’t adequately salt their pasta water.
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24 Feb 2021
The most cheerful dream I’ve had in the last year was one where terrorists were holding me hostage in a room that had a fancy cold-cut vending machine.
25 Jan 2021
Yoga’s been great for my mental health. I now refer to Depression & Anxiety as my Yin and Yang energy.
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21 Jan 2021
Today is when Klobuchar texts Biden about opening for him on the road and then never hears back.
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11 Jan 2021
Ooo I found THE hot new platform for white nationalists. Anything goes, spread the word!
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6 Jan 2021
Imagine parkour not even being the worst thing about you.
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4 Jan 2021
Apple Designer: AirPods must be the absolute pinnacle of user-friendly design in every possible way.
Engineer: What if someone drops the case?
Apple Designer: I dunno it shoots open and the pods scatter 25 feet or down the nearest sewage grate.
Engineer: On it.
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22 Dec 2020
Ah, to have 2019 problems.
22 Dec 2019
No one in my family is sober enough to pick me up at the airport. It is 5PM, a full three days before Xmas.
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22 Dec 2020
I’m Italian and the way British people pronounce the word “pasta” like “pass-ta” is a macroaggression.
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22 Dec 2020
Ok I may need to revise my list...
7 Dec 2020
CDC Vaccine Priority List (cont.)
2839. Telemarketers
2840. Sex offenders
2841. Dippin’ Dots employees
2842. Ghost hunters
2843. Serial killers
2844. Useful inanimate objects
2845. Stand-up comedians
2846. Improv troupes
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21 Dec 2020
“An outie” is no longer about bellybuttons, it’s what I call any day where I go outside.
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