Even as a child I knew that was a fucked up number of Dalmatians.

Fortune, fame Mirror, vain Gone insane But cheese remains

Fact: The Lone Ranger was not really alone - Tanto... HELLO!

Strange that there's so many desserts that sound like pooping but nobody's going to pass up homemade dump cake, pudding plops or grandma's berry grunt.

I've decided to be the sun and let planets dance around me for a while. So ya know, stand clear etc.

Men be like "I don't do labels" and then ask what's your name

USA. A Mexican restaurant. We had not yet ordered anything, and the food was already arriving. Chips. Salsa. Unrequested. Free. I stopped the waiter. "We have not earned these." "They just come with the table, man." They come with the TABLE. In my land, hospitality is a debt. Every gift creates an obligation, weighed carefully, returned in the proper season with interest of feeling. Here, the gift arrives before you have even proven you can pay for dinner. This is not an appetizer. This is a declaration: we trust you. Eat. I ate with the gravity the moment deserved. And then — I must report this calmly — the basket emptied, and a new one appeared. "Did we…?" "Refill," the waiter said. "It's bottomless." Bottomless. They have wells of salsa. The supply lines of this nation are beyond anything my ancestors imagined. My friend warned me. "Don't fill up on chips, dude." Too late. I had accepted three baskets. Honor demanded each one be finished — an unfinished gift is an insult. By the time my actual food arrived, I was a ruined man. I was not hungry. I was not comfortable. I had been defeated by a courtesy. Generosity that arrives before the request cannot be repaid. It can only be survived. I know the rule now. I have made my peace with the basket. One basket. Two at the most. Who am I deceiving. There is no number of baskets I would refuse. The trust of a nation is in that salsa, and I intend to honor all of it.

one time when i was young i went to my friend’s birthday party where his parents hired a magician & the magician was so good he made three kids disappear & we never saw those kids ever again.

If I was small enough to ride on my robot vacuum I would never leave the house.

I’m growing my grey out in silver stripes so I have a chance of being cast as Fat Rogue when they make X-Men Seniors.

My experience of work suggests I'd be much more successful if I was a much more incompetent.

they should let you into the cockpit if you’re pure of heart

I always double check my bank account balance before I leave for work just to make sure I have to keep doing this.

I know what almost any Melissa looks like without even seeing them.

Mind the gap

When my son was 5, we were at the zoo when 2 monkeys started having sex. I had to calmly explain to him why I was filming it.

It is the official position of the Catholic Church that the sport is called Soccer. Total cultural victory achieved. 🇺🇸

This guy on the patio trying to sound all deep and full of mystery while clad head-to-toe in Tapout merch.

I got my start as a door-to-door meme salesman.

recently learned some really hard truths about myself. like for example i am not an unkillable demon i am just a regular demon with next level dodging abilities.

Just came across a bloke called Will May. Which is it, fella