Joined January 2008
- Tweets 7,028
- Following 0
- Followers 375
- Likes 18
22 Photos and videos
7 Feb 2023
Which is hotter: breaking a clavicle on a football field or screwing on a pile of plastic saber-tooth tiger shit? #WYATR
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7 Feb 2023
The romance on this episode is amazing. "Look, a mastodon! Make a baby with me." #TheBachelor
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17 Jun 2020
My water bill has really gotten small these last two months. I had no idea showers were so expensive.
5 Nov 2019
I am sure I misheard something in the latest RHAP B&B podcast -- did @David_Boreanaz block @LianaBoraas on Twitter? That can't be right.
28 Aug 2018
I now believe everything @whats_ur_sign_ has ever written, thought, or said. That video of @KendallPatrice getting gaslighted would be an eye-opener in, say, a sexual harassment court case. (Allegedly!)
4 Jul 2018
DISPATCH TO @OCASIO2018: Operation Save Nordstrom’s is a success. We painted the windows so the store appears filled with Ivanka’s handbags. Then opened Hooters and changed the toll roads to only accept SpeedPass readers. They think they are still home. #SecondCivilWarLetters
29 Apr 2018
I've had a crush on @michelleisawolf for a long time now and suddenly everyone knows why. Except @seanspicer -- he's probably baffled.
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20 Jan 2017
It’s time for Trump’s inauguration? Really? THANKS, OBAMA! Sincerely.
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8 Oct 2016
"No, Donald! Don't grab them by the p***y! We need to use that for the mandatory ultrasounds!"
16 Aug 2016
If God keeps practicing, he'll eventually succeed in washing Louisiana into the Gulf of Mexico. Someone evacuate Emeril.
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15 Jul 2016
I know things seem chaotic, but don't worry. We got this. Someone is briefing @realDonaldTrump on where Turkey is RIGHT NOW.
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