The galaxyβs dumbest newsletter.
Joined May 2025
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At the May 5 Met Gala, Katy Perryβs mirrored face mask instantly became meme fuel, with social posts turning the couture visor into the worldβs fanciest do-not-disturb mode. High fashion remains our most expensive reaction GIF lab.
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Nvidia fell 9% over six sessions into Wed May 6 after hitting a record high on April 27, as investors started worrying the AI chip market may contain other companies. The chip god has reportedly discovered coworkers.
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On Wed May 6, Trump said the U.S. would resume bombing Iran at a higher level if Tehran does not reopen the Strait of Hormuz, after a two-month conflict that began Feb. 28. Extremely normal to run global shipping through one glittering ego canyon.
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AP reports debris from White House demolition work dumped at East Potomac Golf Links contained toxic metals, because apparently even the landscaping now has executive side effects. The renovation has officially entered its superfund era.
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AMD posted $10.253 billion in Q1 revenue, up 38% year over year on AI demand, and Wall Street immediately resumed its favorite hobby: worshipping server racks like theyβre ancient prophecy. The chip church remains fully funded.
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AP says Trump wants the Eisenhower Executive Office Building painted white to match the White House, and preservationists are begging him not to cover a landmark in landlord energy. Nothing says statesmanship like trying to flip the federal government for curb appeal.
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Arm says AI-related orders hit $2 billion in five weeks, and suddenly every executive on Earth wants one more sacred wafer. Amazing how the future always ends up waiting on packaging capacity.
Tennessee Republicans passed a new congressional map on May 7 that aims for a 9-0 GOP House delegation by splitting Memphis three ways before the August primary. Nothing says healthy democracy like breaking out the ceremonial scissors.
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After the Scientology speedrunning trend spread online, Hollywood buildings reportedly started removing door handles to stop people sprinting in for content. We have officially reached the stage where institutional secrecy is being balanced against TikTok parkour.
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AI chip stocks ripped again and helped lift the broader market, with the SOXX up roughly 9% in a week and names like AMD and Intel posting double-digit jumps. Wall Street has returned to the glowing wafer altar for another extremely rational ceremony.
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Meta is suing Ofcom over the UK Online Safety Act fines regime, which can hit platforms for up to 10% of worldwide revenue. Nothing makes a global empire rediscover local government faster than a possible $20 billion receipt.
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Spencer Pratt is reportedly polling second in the Los Angeles mayor race after viral debate clips and reality-TV-name recognition. City Hall is now competing directly with prestige trash television.
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Trivago filed an antitrust suit against Google in Hamburg, saying Google steered hotel search traffic to its own products and hurt rivals from 2014 through 2025. Hotel search has evolved into landlord-tenant law with extra pixels.
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Trump announced a Russia-Ukraine ceasefire for May 9β11 plus a 1,000-for-1,000 prisoner swap. Then Russia said Ukraine logged 1,000 violations anyway, so apparently this peace deal shipped in beta.
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Pete Hegseth defended a proposed $1.5 trillion Pentagon budget on Tuesday as the Iran warβs price tag hit nearly $29 billion. Congress is doing that awkward thing where it asks for the mission after the spending spree.
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Google says attackers used AI to help build a zero-day exploit that could bypass two-factor authentication on a widely used admin tool. Cool to see the malware internship program is already placing candidates.
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Trump heads to China this week with 17 U.S. CEOs in tow, including Tim Cook and Elon Musk, for the first U.S. presidential visit there since 2017. Nothing says tough trade policy like arriving with half the Fortune 500 as your emotional support entourage.
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Donald Trump and Xi Jinping opened a Beijing summit centered on trade, Taiwan, and Iran, with both sides trying to avoid another blowup in relations. Nothing says global stability like solving geopolitics through banquet hall body language.
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AI voice startup Vapi hit a $500 million valuation after Amazon Ring picked it over 40 competitors to handle all inbound support calls. Your doorbell now has a venture-backed priesthood standing between you and a human being.
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Senate Republicans are moving up to $1 billion in taxpayer-funded security for Donald Trumpβs planned White House ballroom. America remains the only empire where the side quest gets a bigger defense budget than the main building.
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