Writer in residence, at my house. NEW novel: amazon.co.uk/Stone-Heart-Dee…
Joined February 2009
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25 Nov 2014
Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.
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Please spare a thought for the angry, frightened, friendless little boy trapped inside the mind of Donald Trump, whose body turns 80 today. That's almost 297 in human years.
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Congratulations to GB News, which is five years old! And like any five-year-old, it often talks nonsense, has fits of petulant rage, and is incapable of adult behaviour.
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paul bassett davies retweeted
Attention writers and others. I am running my workshop HOW TO ADAPT ANYTHING on Friday 17th July in central London. A successful adaptation is a reinvention, not a rewrite. Learn how to adapt material from ANY medium to any other. Limited places. Book now.
euroscript.co.uk/how-to-adap…
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In the King’s birthday honours list I was offered a knighthood for services to fantasising, but naturally I turned it down, so you won’t hear about it. True story.
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Here's a thought experiment: if you could be the richest person who ever lived, but the price would be that you have no friends, nobody to love, no sense of humour, no joy, no human feelings at a- no wait, sorry, it's not a thought experiment, someone’s actually done it.
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A trillionaire is a wealth creator in the same sense that mosquitoes are blood banks.
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Among all the great art David Hockney made let's not forget that he made an art out of doing whatever he wanted instead of doing what he was told.
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Breaking: Number Ten resigns from Downing Street.
The building, the traditional home of British prime ministers, was last seen running along Whitehall, weeping and shouting obscenities. Its departure leaves a big gap in the gated street, which will be filled by a Tesco Metro.
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Some Americans are confused because what we call football isn’t like what they call football. We do football without the body armour, religion, constant ad breaks and ceaseless deluge of horseshit.
#WorldCup
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I can't believe they want an ACTOR to pretend to be the next Doctor Who. Why can’t they follow tradition and find an authentic Time Lord from the planet Gallifrey for this iconic role? Typical woke Marxist BBC.
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Irrational beliefs, in descending order of credibility:
Flat earth.
Tooth Fairy.
Santa Claus.
England World Cup victory.
Scotland World Cup victory.
Brexit Dividend.
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Can’t believe the Dadaist ice cream van is still driving around at this time of night, playing that bloody John Cage tune 4’ 33” over and over again, it’s enough to drive a person crazy.
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If someone in your family is the victim of a murderous assault, it can't get much worse, can it?
Unless of course rightwing dipshits claim your heartfelt plea for the assault not to fuel hatred and division is "scripted" by the government. That might do it.
Well done, dipshits.
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I finally found a card for the tenth anniversary of the Brexit vote. Unfortunately, it's ruinously expensive, falls apart as soon as you open it, and leaves a terrible mess everywhere.
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Encouraging a lynch mob is never the most convincing way to prove you're not a racist.
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Maybe it's finally time to take a step back from social media and continue with whatever the fuck I was in the middle of doing when I joined Twitter in 2009.
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Looking for a Father's Day gift? Don't insult his intelligence by giving him a mug with "World's Best Dad" on it. Give him a mug saying "Among the Top Percentile of World's Best Dads According to Meta-analysis of Multiple Peer Reviewed Studies," which he'll find more credible.
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It’s not realistic for James Bond to be woke. That’s why the next Bond should be played by two cheeky schoolboys in a long overcoat.
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When an octopus squirts out ink it’s writing a message in the sea. The message is “Help, my habitat is being destroyed. Even with one brain, like you, instead of my nine, I could still see what’s happening and why. Get your act together, foolish bipeds.”
#WorldOceansDay
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The great Dorthy Parker died on this day in 1967. But she's still alive and causing good trouble in my novel, Dead Writers in Rehab, fighting with Hemingway and other deceased literary substance abusers. Get it now, while books are still a thing.
amazon.co.uk/Dead-Writers-Re…
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