Comedian, writer and Kit Kat connoisseur. Studied at @TheSecondCity RT’s are not an endorsement but I can be bribed. Follow for more comedy.
Joined May 2009
- Tweets 9,573
- Following 431
- Followers 812
- Likes 9,080
443 Photos and videos
May 19
Hey @Shell the transition from Citi Bank to Imprint for our Shell cards has been nothing but chaotic! I would use a different adjustive but I'm afraid @X wouldn't like it. Worst experience we've ever had! Never had problems with our @exxonmobil cards!
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Apr 11
When Saturday is your scheduled day to water, but there’s a “chance” of rain on Sunday, do you water on Saturday or not?
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Tim Fancher retweeted
From the family of Lou Holtz
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Election Day
The day you’re glad to see a Texas Hammer lawyer ad on tv.
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Feb 27
Can we send Congress an email asking them to list 5 things they accomplished last week?
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Feb 19
I wasn't able to make it to an Ash Wednesday service yesterday, but I did spend some time with Morgan Freeman, who played God, so does that count? #AshWednesday #morganfreeman #brucealmighty #Lent
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Feb 17
They tested it on politicians and yep, 90% seems about right
There is a mathematical equation that can accurately determine whether a married couple will divorce with 90% accuracy.
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Feb 12
Why they didn’t decide to deliver the tv stand on the same truck as the tv beats me. Logic seems to be missing from their process
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Tim Fancher retweeted
Your future self is built by what you do today, not what you plan to do Monday.
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Jan 30
For those tired of this cold weather, pitchers & catchers report in 11 days!
@Rangers #pitchersandcatchers #springtraining #texasrangers #icantwait
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