Stand up comedian. Upright citizen. Olympian.
Joined November 2011
- Tweets 391
- Following 62
- Followers 185
- Likes 79
9 Photos and videos
4 Dec 2020
I recently went to a beauty salon and wrote this. I can't be the only one here. Tell me your stories!
ow.ly/s6gm50Czldq
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17 Sep 2020
My cats keep dumping lizards into my shoe. Yes that's right... CATS... I have two of those fuckers...
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15 Sep 2020
Cute animal videos are the porn for my broken soul and a testament to my incredible data plan.
10 Sep 2020
Me in the morning: 'I don't care what anyone say..'
2 mins later...
Still Me: 'Why does everyone hate me!'
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8 Sep 2020
Brisbane has 'Bris-Vegas'. Melbourne should have 'Mel-Boob'. Jokes done for the week!
1 Sep 2020
One day, I am going to be that person who repeats every headline on the news to keep a conversation going.
3 Aug 2020
My mum and I both show our love through actions. When she sent me some face masks from Singapore, I was moved. I was so moved, I sent her back the masks. Now she knows I love her.
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Just one of the many reasons to upgrade to a new iPhone 11.
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31 Jul 2020
When I say I tend to agree, what I really mean is I can see how no one agrees with your idea.
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23 Jul 2020
I think to achieve equality, women should start behaving and thinking more like men. We should start roasting each other on the size of our vaginas.
Ting retweeted
22 Jul 2020
How it looks when you do a bit in normal conversation
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15 Jul 2020
I think mormons should open a conversation with, “I am a local legend around here.” when you open your door to greet them.
8 Jul 2020
It’s odd how similar constipation feels to being back to stage after 4 months of not performing.
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6 Jul 2020
Note to self when acting coach says to be more aggressive with a comb, it doesn’t mean you punch the comb.
3 Jul 2020
Is any guy thinking this when they choose to grow a beard during lockdown, “I can’t grow my dick so I will grow my beard.” ?
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1 Jul 2020
I have been told that I have been saying zucchini wrong my whole life. I should stop calling it weird dick vegetable.
24 Jun 2020
Work meetings are just a contest to see who can stay awake the longest.
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