Ameri-strayan'.
Joined August 2014
- Tweets 131,231
- Following 6,448
- Followers 14,289
- Likes 77,171
973 Photos and videos
Pinned Tweet
23 Mar 2016
Am I currently satisfied with my skin care regime? Lady, I haven't been satisfied with anything since 1991. I am the embodiment of dismay.
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2 Dec 2016
Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it's bracelets.
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edwin's chart btw
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11 Jan 2024
My prime was basically 3 months in '96
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12 Jan 2024
"The human mind does not cope well with isolation" yeah, whatever fuckface
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12 Jan 2024
The latest poll shows me 19 points ahead. Hold on. Sorry folks. The latest poll shows me 19 POUNDS ahead.
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10 Jan 2024
god: i need you to build a death star
noah: uh, what's a death star?
god: {flipping through his notes} oh, sorry, wrong story. i need you to build an arkβ¦
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Nuclear Winter retweeted
10 Jan 2024
It's not an ancient art. You're just using some glue.
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26 May 2017
The savage darkness you sense is just me trying on clothes.
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19 Apr 2023
The way this cat is chewing on my severed ear makes me feel seen.
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4 Jan 2023
Lol, good luck little guy. Consciousness is the first stage of torture.
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Falconry is a power move. Having an argument? Summon a mighty raptor to alight upon your gauntlet and screech its agreement with you.
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13 Jun 2018
if you ever need to be reminded of your decomposing existence on this earth stay at a motel built in the same year you were born
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13 Oct 2015
I wear shirts with low-cut arm holes in case I need to unfurl my black wings and kick some ass human-bird hybrid-style
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3 May 2019
I take no leave of you, Miss Bennet: I send no compliments to your mother. You deserve no such attention. I am most seriously displeased.
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8 Apr 2019
Itβs called a charm offensive. I'm like the softest baby bunny who doesnβt respect you.
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21 Mar 2019
The true test of your comedic ability is if you can get people to laugh without resorting to profanity. But you glum cunts make that fucking impossible.
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7 Jan 2019
Which Wasting Disease Are You? Take Our Quiz and Find Out!
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5 Aug 2018
Shh....you had me at "My boyfriend is going to kick your ass."
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