The New Yorker, Vanity Fair, The Atlantic, Harper's, Rolling Stone. I've read some of these magazines.
Joined July 2014
- Tweets 145,326
- Following 985
- Followers 12,844
- Likes 148,252
2,849 Photos and videos
Pinned Tweet
28 Jan 2020
The time my bongos caught fire. It was terrible. No one would help and the more frantically I tried to put them out the louder everyone cheered.
16
626
2,389
Jun 9
It takes less time to make a bundt cake than to wash a bundt cake pan.
3
102
Jack Boot retweeted
Jun 3
Exactly like this, with his helmet off. đź“·
Jun 3
I’d like to see our President stand on the moon and have this picture taken.
🇺🇸
836
19,297
298,809
4,387,968
Jack Boot retweeted
Soft fontanelle be damned, what’s breakdancing without a headspin?
10
12
630
Jack Boot retweeted
11 Nov 2017
One of the cows on that cattle car has a brilliant idea for a screenplay. It's her secret joy.
17
32
Jack Boot retweeted
9 May 2021
My screenplay about sloths running from an advancing glacier admittedly has some pacing issues.
8
63
200
Jack Boot retweeted
BREAKING: Hall and Oates have announced they will no longer play the America 250 concert.
174
439
4,600
133,922
Jack Boot retweeted
30 Apr 2018
My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.
7
174
434
Jack Boot retweeted
Jun 1
Dude.
Happy Birthday to Chris Elliott, born May 31, 1960! 🎉
62
65
3,089
651,689
Jack Boot retweeted
May 29
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood.
I stood there wondering why the wood was yellow.
Then the wolves came. Point is, just pick a road.
1
6
17
388
May 29
It doesn't matter how legitimate they claim to be, for the right price, your meseus will give you a handy. But for the right price, so will your dentist or your architect.
1
1
219
Jack Boot retweeted
If someone says eschew, I’ll answer with gesundheit.
I've got nothing but time.
26
40
1,575
Jack Boot retweeted
May 27
We'll be changing all our maps again and renaming it The Gulf of Iran before this war is over.
1
8
31
768
Jack Boot retweeted
May 28
Dear kids, this is Phil Hartman.
He was awesome.
57
93
884
10,977
May 29
"I went to Spain to see the Spanish Steps. You know what a mutherfucker never tells you 'bout the mutherfuckin' Spanish Steps?" - Jules Winnfield walks the earth.
1
7
256
Jack Boot retweeted
7 Dec 2025
New rule: when the drug commercial lists the side effects the actors have to act them out.
6
52
96
3,054
Jack Boot retweeted
May 27
I was going to write how carpe diem means “fish of the day,” but I've never cared for fish and see no reason to promote them.
11
75
201
5,778
Jack Boot retweeted
May 12
Remember being a kid in the 70s and they would talk about top basketball players and it was Kareem Abdul-Jabbar and Julius Erving and you were incensed? "What about Meadowlark Lemon? What about Curly Neal? For God's sake, they've never lost a game! They have their own cartoon!"
2
4
196
May 26
I thought the mellifluent Morgan Freeman could make any advertising copy read like Dylan Thomas but "ATTR-Cardiac Amyloidosis" was his Waterloo.
1
2
146
Jack Boot retweeted
May 13
Twenty seconds after getting home from your unsuccessful date in which you dropped $250 on dinner.
1
6
753