I've been in a depressive episode for the past several weeks and it's mostly because the closer I got to the graduation finish line, the harder it hit me that there is no finish line. Not for me anyway. I'm exhausted. I finished a marathon and I just want to rest. I want what my classmates have! A family I can return to. A safe home to live in while I apply for job. So many missteps away from homelessness that I can afford to accept the RIGHT job offer, not just the FIRST one. I want rest. I EARNED rest. I feel like if I don't take a break, I'm GOING TO BREAK. But I'm in a river with a harsh current of generational dysfunction pushing me backwards towards what Has Been and I'm swimming against it, alone, toward what Could Be. And if I stop swimming for even a moment, I'll get swept away. so I've spent the past few weeks trying to radically accept the concurrent realities that:
1. I need a break.
2. I deserve a break.
3. I do not get a break.
it must feel good af to graduate and then get to REST and RECOVER 😩