It’s a business doing pleasure with you 💋
Joined March 2009
- Tweets 2,814
- Following 2,219
- Followers 72,818
- Likes 11,754
193 Photos and videos
Pinned Tweet
1 Sep 2025
Asking the karaoke guy if I can do the “I am your mother” monologue from Hereditary
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Bree Essrig retweeted
Jun 13
First base: raw sex
Second base: telling you about my mental illness
Third base: a kiss in public
Fourth base: introducing you to my friends
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Bree Essrig retweeted
Jun 12
This is deadass the funniest video I’ve ever seen
Jun 12
Knicks fans were celebrating and threw this cone perfectly on someone’s head
This clip is unreal. 🤣🤣🤣
(via @sidetalknyc)
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Bree Essrig retweeted
12 Dec 2024
Violence is NOT the answer. The answer is *opens history book*
uh oh
*frantically starts flipping through pages*
uh oh. oh no. no no no. uh oh
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(after three beers) Do you guys ever feel sorta.. empty? Like you're housing a malevolent entity as a passenger in your body but have no identity or will of your own
Friend 1: you're probably just a husk man
Friend 2: vessel alert
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Bree Essrig retweeted
19 Jul 2025
where r u. where did u post that picture from. where is it in the picture you posted. who’s there and where are you and who are you there with. also where are you going and who will be with you. and where have you been
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Bree Essrig retweeted
Jun 11
The reason margaritas taste so good is because they are a spiritually safe drink
They have a salt circle that wards off evil
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Bree Essrig retweeted
you've heard of Porn Brain. well i've got Film Brain. i'll be looking at a sunset and think What A Terrific Shot. WHAT "SHOT" YOU IDIOT? THAT'S LIFE!
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Jun 9
If they put me on love island I’d start eating people
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people used to say “am I being punk’d right now” now they say “is this a psy-op being orchestrated by Mossad?”
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Bree Essrig retweeted
Jun 8
for 6 weeks of each year i allow myself to have love island brain (low cognitive function, irrational opinions, unbridled lust) and i think it’s really good for me. i’ll read a book or something after, idk
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24 Jan 2019
Being a billionaire must be insane. You can buy new teeth, new skin. All your chairs cost 20,000 dollars and weigh 2,000 pounds. Your life is just a series of your own preferences. In terms of cognitive impairment it's probably like being kicked in the head by a horse every day
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The type of shit Riddler says when Batman's on his last nerve:
Jun 4
What has EARS but does NOT listen ??
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Bree Essrig retweeted
Jun 5
Gay ppl be like do you wanna come hang out with an immigration lawyer and a pornstar
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Jun 5
RT @peestains: guy with mommy issues: i like being called good boy
girl with mommy issues: this wretched earth has no place for me but i a…
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Bree Essrig retweeted
Is it ethical to be a person
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Jun 4
i think about this img a lot
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Bree Essrig retweeted
Jun 4
how can doctors say shit like, "you have such nice veins," and not realise that's one of the single most erotic sentences ever spoken
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Bree Essrig retweeted
Jun 4
40 years ago today, l asked my childhood sweetheart, my best friend and the most gorgeous woman l know to marry me.
All three said no.
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