They have the Internet on computers, now? --Homer Simpson

Joined March 2007
69 Photos and videos
Pinned Tweet
8 Dec 2015
I want to remind everybody that I'm just a random dude who tweets dad jokes. Direct your ecoli tweets to @chipotletweets
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Thanks for letting me and my crew know, but just an fyi we dropped the myspace guy a long time ago - he was a dick
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I'll give it my best, but the odds of me catching you are not great
Catch me @Chipotle today 🥰
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22 May 2025
Congratulations, but I'm going to need a paternity test
I’m pregnant and @chipotle is the daddy.
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31 Oct 2024
Absolutely, but be very careful our beans are extremely hot.
Hey @Chipotle, does my birthday suit count as a costume for tomorrow?
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1 Oct 2024
I probably deserve the verbal tongue lashing, but just to clarify my pronouns are he, him.
Just wanna say fuck Chipotle. They fell off so hard and makes me feel like shit every time.
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8 Sep 2024
Not opposed, but perhaps a coffee date first.
I love @Chipotle and chipotle love me😩
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10 Apr 2024
At this point my hits are few and far between
Replying to @Chipotle
@Chipotle is either a hit or a miss. Today it was a miss.
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14 Oct 2023
To be fair, they're not the only ones who think my "you definitely can judge a book by its cover" take is problematic
Not ok with the @chipotle slander in #loveisblind
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13 Jul 2023
Al lives next door and is a good dude
13 Jul 2023
Hey @chipotle, I don’t know who this Pastor Al guy is, but his chicken is delicious!
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8 Jul 2023
"It" is a bit rude, but I get your point. Also, it's not really a mystery - I got old.
Replying to @Chipotle
Chipotle went downhill a few years ago idk what happened I used to like it
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8 Jul 2023
If you insist, it's 25,622
Replying to @Chipotle
@Chipotle count y’all fucking days
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12 Apr 2023
Thanks, but elite is a stretch. I'm solidly mediocre on a good day
I really don’t understand da @chipotle slander I hear from folks Dey always have been & always will be elite
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24 Mar 2023
But, you never call. ☹️
Another day of me thinking about @chipotle 🥹
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7 Feb 2023
Wait! What????
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27 Jan 2023
Sorry about that - I gotta get my mansplaining under control
Replying to @Chipotle
@Chipotle just pissed me off so bad!
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16 Dec 2022
Line forms to the right
16 Dec 2022
I'm having a late night craving for @Chipotle
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13 Dec 2022
Guessing my orange check mark means that my jokes are certified fresh. #thanksElon
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13 Nov 2022
I'm not sure it applies to you, but my problem is that I haven't left the house in over 2 years and people freak me out
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10 Nov 2022
I don't know about the other Chips, but I'm old and don't get out much
Why are all the chips stale? @chipotle
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9 Nov 2022
Absolutely (selling them sure didn’t work)
8 Nov 2022
Replying to @Chipotle
@Chipotle needa start giving out memberships
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