An old couple walk into a restaurant. They tell the waiter, “We'd like to have a bottle of wine, please.” The waiter asks, “What year?” The old man says, “This year. Preferably tonight!"

This is the funniest, most rewatchable five minutes in the history of recorded comedy It is perfection and never gets old

Godspeed Gene Shalit. 100 years of being your own person and doing things your way. My tribute is the SCTV Gene Shalit's Critics Special.

The Far Side was so fucking good it’s still ahead of its time …

BTS footage of Siskel & Ebert recording a tv spot for an upcoming episode 😂 The petty annoyance between these two is really what made them so special

When does a Dad joke become a bad Dad joke? When it abandons you and your mom and runs off with a stripper in Vegas.

Did you hear about the X-rated murder mystery? Everybody did it in the end.

Why did the polygamist cross the road? To get to the other bride.

Did you hear about the farmer's wife that left him for a farm machinery salesman? She sent him a John Deere letter.

Your Holiness, what do you think of Da Bears going to Indiana?

Hammond is already working on the new Bears logo.

It's National Doughnut Day. No wonder there's some sprinkles in the forecast.

The Beatles "Hey Jude" had it's world premiere on David Frost's "Frost On Sunday" show on September 8th, 1968.

A man walks into a library and asks if there are any books about paranoia. The librarian says, "They're right behind you."

In honor of National Leave Work Early Day, I will start drinking early, too. Cheers!

A man says to his new girlfriend, "Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you really badly." She replied, "You succeeded."

A woman came up to me and said that she knew me from a vegetarian club. Funny. I'd never seen Herbivore.

What an unexpected surprise last night! 84-year-old Art Garfunkel joined Charlie Puth on stage at Madison Square Garden to perform a duet of “The Boxer.”

A waiter approaches a table, takes out his writing pad and says, "Can I take your order?" The man says, "I'm not sure what to order." The waiter says, "How about the duck?" The duck says, "I'll have the lasagna."

Conan O'Brien used his Harvard University commencement speech to argue that humility and the human connection matter far more than any diploma. "I always recognize the enormous role of luck in my life. Refusing to see how luck has played a role in anyone's success is simply ignorant. Many people are happy to mistake a lucky poker hand for their own brilliance, and fighting that human instinct has kept me sane. "I honestly believe that community, spontaneity, and a real commitment to humility has helped me build a rich life that means much more to me than any diploma. And believe me, I'm not saying the goal is to renounce accomplishments, but rather to metabolize them. If you carry your victories lightly, other qualities –- kindness, originality, courage, humor, and humanity –- have room to emerge. "Maybe the greatest lessons I've learned along these lines have been through my 24 travel shows. I have degraded myself in Cuba, Ghana, Korea, Armenia, half of Europe, Argentina, Thailand, Mexico, and Greenland, where I visited a real estate office and tried to buy the country. When I travel to another land, every quality I have discussed -- community, adaptation, and a sincerely humble approach -- are all necessary. When you don't speak the language, no one truly cares where you went to college, and you have no choice but to make friends. "It's on these travels that I learned a great lesson: let yourself be bad at things. I have been a bad dancer in every country I have visited. But the people laugh because it turns out everyone everywhere is related to at least one terrible dancer. For me, humility on these trips can easily lead to humiliation, which is also a useful tool. "Three weeks ago, I visited Amsterdam, dressed up as Van Gogh, and forced my way into the Van Gogh Museum, where I started loudly demanding a cut of the merchandising because I made no money during my lifetime. Guards forcibly ejected me. I was roundly mocked by patrons for my pathetic display. But I did see a lot of smiles. And not one person said, now that's a Harvard grad. "In Tokyo, I met with a teacher of Japanese etiquette who volunteered I wasn't her type. And when I asked her why, she just said, 'face.' In Ghana, after accepting a royal invitation, I was kicked out of the Ashanti Palace by the Queen Mother, because her favorite soap opera was starting. "I understand that I am preaching modesty and connection at a time when this is not in style. We are living through a period of extreme narcissism. Our current leadership in Washington believes that empathy is a weakness and that our nation stands supreme and alone. Add to that, everyone here today has a phone in their pocket that is algorithmically programmed to celebrate you and you alone by making you the protein-maxing hero of your own special journey. "Much has been written about how isolated and siloed we've become, but for me, the antidote is quite simple. By de-emphasizing what makes us special — in your case, a prized degree — we can really find one another, not as an exercise in virtue, but as a path towards greater laughter, love, and real growth."