@HelloPasternak profile picture
Heather Pasternak @HelloPasternak

Comedian, cat whisperer, cđŸ™ŒđŸ»nt

Joined February 2011
  • Tweets 3,625
  • Following 573
  • Followers 1,787
137 Photos and videos
Pinned Tweet
Heather Pasternak@HelloPasternak
4 Jul 2022
My husband told me our toddler’s shit didn’t stink which was a really fun way to find out my husband has Covid
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There are two kinds of people in this world: the kind that don’t like listening to voice notes and the kind that are trying to kill us
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Heather Pasternak retweeted
Jade Catta-Preta/Jaji@JadeCattaPreta
29 Dec 2023
Guys this show is helping homeless youth, roll through and show some love @Hahacafecomedy @HelloPasternak @ChrisEstrada85 @JamesStanly
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Happy holidays y’all! It’s like they say, the holidays are for feeling sad and getting coffee with your ex đŸ„°âœš
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Being a mom is like working out, I don’t wanna do it
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I just want my husband to lust after me the way mosquitoes do
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Heather Pasternak retweeted
Jade Catta-Preta/Jaji@JadeCattaPreta
6 Oct 2023
VEGAS!! We’re here all weekend, come celebrate pride with us. @HelloPasternak @lindsayames @jimmykimmelscomedyclub OCT 5-8. TIX in my linktree! #vegays
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My whole personality today is “should work out but just going to be a bitch instead” thank you for your support
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I ate too many figs and now my tongue hurts, so yeah
 I party 😏
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As a parent I have a lot of concerns like “When can I lay down?” and “How can I be laying down more?”
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I don’t get it but I want to -a memoir
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“I want you to come home just once without accusing me of jerking off while you were gone” -cute shit my husband says đŸ„°
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Pool days are so important because let’s face it, we’re not real friends until you’ve seen the cellulite on my ass
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Me: I don’t have anxiety Also me: Can I unsend an email after five years?
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It’s like the saying goes, “ask and you shall 
wish you never asked”
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My morning affirmations be like: *kicks off the sheets* Nothing can stop me!!!! 
 Except maybe how comfy this bed is right now *re-wraps self like a sleepy burrito*
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When an invitation says “no gifts” is it a test? And if it’s not a test, why does it feel like one?
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!!! madisonmom.com/no_gifts/#:~:
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"No Gifts" on an Invitation Is Rude: Unpopular Opinion

I think the “no gifts, please” trend on kiddie birthday party invitations is rude.  I am clearly in the minority on this one, but let me explain.

madisonmom.com
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Tell me you’re from LA without telling me you’re from LA
Heather Pasternak@HelloPasternak
22 Jun 2023
My love language is when you cancel on me before I cancel on you 😏
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My love language is when you cancel on me before I cancel on you 😏
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I just wanna buy things until I die
 which actually seems like very achievable goals
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