Joined May 2015
- Tweets 155,894
- Following 1,361
- Followers 1,339
- Likes 343,150
2,413 Photos and videos
May 1
If youve ever sneezed & blew out your shoulder, welcome to your 50s.
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Apr 30
Stop using dipping sauces on pizza.
Itβs disrespectful to the pie.
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Apr 30
even if you don't know
your body does
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The good part about being too lazy to apply makeup is that you can continue to be lazy and not remove it.
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Apr 30
the urge to sit when u see a surface to sit on
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Apr 30
I can tell ur ass went to Jupiter to get more stupider
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Apr 30
I'm like a cat. I'll slap anything I don't understand.
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May 1
*gets into an existential debate with CAPTCHA*
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7 Sep 2022
I'm trying to grow as a person fuckface
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May 1
i asked an interviewer something she liked about her job and she said "i've only been here three months" thank you so much for that glowing review linda
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Apr 30
Sending my regards to the people who have to deal with me today.
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May 1
Trying to explain that a "clear liquid diet" doesn't include the secret lasagna hidden in the bedside table.
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*stirring Mac N' Cheese
Everything reminds me of her
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Apr 30
The human body being able to stretch to obesity seems like a really big design flaw.
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May 1
A draft just saying you, but it is pointing
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Them: Any plans tonight?
Me: *laughs in introvert
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May 1
Anxietyβs opposite is sadness. Good luck.
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May 1
Remember being a dick is a decision
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Apr 30
this is the most monday ass thursday of all time.
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