'I can never tell when he's joking.' —@hotfountainpen | 'Either a crazy person or impressive commitment to the bit.' —@mcrumps | 'An actual freak.' —@idkmanwow
Joined July 2020
- Tweets 21,235
- Following 2,129
- Followers 615
- Likes 14,757
2,409 Photos and videos
Pinned Tweet
27 Jul 2020
.@TheTwilightZone plot idea: The sole survivor of the apocalypse finally has time to listen to podcasts but still doesn't feel like it.
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Real fans of the band know it's spelled Chumbawamba. Ruined the comment.
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[hits blunt]
Name a better five-episode run than "Double-Edged Sword" through "Plan B." You can't.
[weeps plaintively]
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May 27
NAUR not my generational misery deepening like a coastal shelf like??
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May 26
[Suzanne Vega voice]
♫ Leukapheresis
Happens on the second floor ♫
Here is the obligatory postleukapheresis bandage shot, plus an awkward-ass middonation selfie taken with my nondominant hand (I was supposed to keep righty stationary).
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Once a week or so for the last two years or so, @zoox has emailed me a message to the effect of "We're almost ready to launch service in San Francisco! We're sooooo close! For reals this time!" I might as well be on the mailing list for Lucy van Pelt's football-clutching service.
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*elicit
Yeah I've given that response. You have done a very good job to ilicit that.
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the neurodivergent experience of being underwhelmed by the payoff of "There's always money in the banana stand" because you interpreted the line literally to begin with
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1,508
Apr 15
I just went to an Xfinity store to pick up a 4K box and the clerk called me "amazing" for knowing my own address.
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Mar 25
Actually, it was based and goals.
Mar 24
Hell nah, it was terrible.
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Mar 15
Well, it finally happened. It took four decades and change, but it finally happened. I just heard someone refer to pizza as "za" in real life.
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19 Aug 2021
Hoods I have repped, in chronological order:
the Mission
Parkmerced
the Inner Sunset
the Excelsior
the Central Sunset
the Outer Sunset
Noe Valley
Treasure Island
SoMa
the Upper Haight
the Richmond
I have 415 cred out the meatus. Put some respect on my name or it's lights out!!!
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Feb 18
What idiot called it THE TESTAMENT OF ANN LEE instead of STOMP CLAP PRAY?
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Feb 16
Whenever I see a woman do "Before He Cheats" at karaoke, I hope she'll change "Shania karaoke" to "Carrie karaoke," thus making the lyric both meta and alliterative.
[Brooks Hatlen voice]
But she never does.
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25 May 2021
The five best album titles:
5. YOU'LL COWARDS DON'T EVEN SMOKE CRACK (Viper)
4. I HEARD THEY 𝘚𝘜𝘊𝘒 LIVE!! (NOFX)
3. THE FLIP IS ANOTHER HONEY (Mike Doughty)
2. I AM NOT AFRAID OF YOU AND I WILL BEAT YOUR ASS (Yo La Tengo)
1. WHEN THE PAWN… (Fiona Apple)
Debate me, cowards.
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Jan 17
Unfinished lyric about the night I got my V-card punched:
That night of unforgettable dome on my memory foam
I thought I might have found my rescue penis its forever home
#BehindTheMusic #Artistry #Dome
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27 Dec 2025
When asked who hurt me, I link the asker to WhoHurtMe.docx, a Google Doc that reads, "My mother, et al."
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