It is very likely that my chronic severe pain is also effecting my deteriorating memory, but I was looking over past notes when I found an episode at the local ER when they refused to treat my chronic severe pain. A nurse actually told me to go home and take whatever medication that I had to try to control my severe pain. When I went home things deteriorated rapidly as the uncontrolled severe pain started causing cardiac problems. After another two trips to the ER they finally relented and treated the escalating pain with fentanyl. Relief finally came, but by that time I was experiencing escalating cardiac problems, and I was diagnosed with acute kidney failure likely contributed to by the ever increasing blood pressure in response to untreated severe pain. I have to wonder how so many chronic, severe pain patients manage to survive as long as we have while living with under or untreated chronic, severe pain which has killed so many of us. All we can do is try our best to survive long enough for enough of the anti opioid RX fanatics to cone to their senses and allow us to be treated and save what is left of our lives. Hang in there.

Lately I have met my share of real jerks while out shopping. Actually the more accurate term which describes their behavior toward other people would require using profanity, but I would rather not be like them even if only verbally. On the way home this evening I met another. I thought about chasing them down and treating them the way they were treating others but then I thought to myself that I really don’t know what is going on in their life which may be causing this aggressive, rude (putting it mildly) behavior. My treating them the way they treat others might only make things worse so I restrained myself - this time, but if I see that person again and they act the same way I am afraid it may not be my best side which comes out.

I can’t convince my wife who is a type 1 diabetic to use an insulin pump (she tried it, but when the catheter gets inserted it is very painful for her) so I stay up all night to watch her blood sugar levels to prevent them from going too high or sinking too low while she sleeps. My lack of sleep causes me to be less energetic during the day which is disturbing to my wife, and she freely shares her disappointment with me verbally. I realize she is living with a very dangerous condition so I let her vent as much as she needs to. I am not sure what to do to help her more effectively. Perhaps my approach is not the best. What best succeeds for those who are successful at managing their type 1 diabetes? I could really use your suggestions.

I ran into a Navy veteran at Walmart. We discussed service injuries. His hearing had been damaged by working on the flightline on carriers. I told him about my head and brain injuries in the Marines which put me in a coma from which the doctors called my parents and advised them to come to see me within the next 48 hours if they wished to visit before I passed away. They did come, and fortunately I came out of the coma before they arrived. Now I am wondering if the problems I am developing with my brain may be contributed to by that traumatic injury. The veteran I talked to at Walmart told me at the very least I needed to call the VA and make an appointment to be evaluated. I think I will follow his advice while I still can.

Doctors need to start labeling the deaths of pain patients correctly on their death certificates. If a person dies while in severe pain and being denied adequate and effective pain relief with the most effective meds which are unquestionably opioid rxs then the death should be labeled as being caused by the extreme stress of under or untreated severe pain whether chronic or acute. Only then will the public and politicians be forced to face the truth of what is blatantly being done to pain patients.

My wife keeps reliving the day that I died when I was 56 years old. My memory of the event is very brief. I was in a bed in the ER after having experienced severe chest pain at home. I realized it was a heart attack so we went to the ER. While waiting to see the doctor I felt something that was totally foreign to anything I had ever experienced before. It startled me so I sat straight up in bed as if I could fight it. As soon as I reached the upright position all I know is that everything went black. What transpired while I was out has been told to me over and over by Bella. She shouted for help. The doctor and nurses came and immediately determined that I had no pulse. The y performed CPR repeatedly attempting to shock my heart back to life with the paddles. Bella said that after many failed attempts and all color having drained from my face the doctor gave up and declared me dead. They gave Bella a little time alone with me then came back to ask which funeral home they should call to pick me up, but Bella said she was not ready for that. Apparently it was after this when I opened my eyes to see Bella with her head hanging down crying beside my bed. I asked, ‘Why are you crying?’ She looked up at me with her eyes very wide and told me what had just happened, and she asked if I were aware of what the doctor and nurses had been doing to me with the life saving efforts, but I told her I was unaware of anything past the point when I sat straight up and everything went dark. Afterwards the doctor was very nervous when near me. She did say something to the effect that she did not want me to do that to her again. I often wonder what happened to me that night, but I am very thankful to still be here, and I realize how it can all end in an instant. Each day is surely a gift.

Number one factor in Veteran suicides= untreated pain, yet the VA has no pain satisfaction metrics, in 2016 Congress & the VA embarked on experimenting with making VHA an opioid free healthcare system, the only real cost was Veterans lives, civil rights, comfort and dignity.

I heard an interesting story about a friend’s Mom tonight. Her Mom’s heart stopped in the ER for a period of many minutes just as mine had done 20 years ago. In spite of efforts to revive her the doctor could not get a pulse. After multiple attempts he stopped and informed the daughter that her Mom had passed, but the daughter refused to accept it. The experience was very similar to my own. We were both declared dead. I do not know how long I was left in the ER before my eyes opened, but the Mom I was describing was out for a half an hour before the daughter saw what she thought was a pulse. Unfortunately the Mom suffered some brain damage and other internal injuries from her time without circulating, oxygenated blood. She passed away a few years later without ever fully recovering. In my case I am not aware of any brain damage, but I seemed to be fully functional when I did awake about an hour after being declared dead. I am beginning to wonder if that episode was a contributing factor in my later development of chronic, severe pudendal nerve pain, but I still believe the major cause of my present under treated pain condition was still the motorcycle accident. If I had known that I would later develop such a painful condition that our medical system would fear to adequately treat I am not sure that I would have wanted to have survived the heart attack.

I was thinking back on my time in the Marines this evening. One particular experience usually comes to mind. I was taking part in a physical fitness test when the outside temperature at Parris Island was in the upper nineties. I knew I was in trouble because my body temp felt very high, but I refused to give up and cease participating in the test. One of the D.I.’s was staying right beside me, but he was not harassing me. Instead he was earnestly advising me to quit. I refused to follow the D.I.’s instructions and kept running the 3 mile endurance test in full gear including my rifle and body pack. Later that Drill Instructor said that I did not stop running until I ran head first into the same tree three times. Each time the impact knocked me to the ground. The DI said that I just got up, picked up my rifle and ran right back into the same tree. The third time it knocked me down I did not get up again. I never had any recollection of running into the tree. The third time I hit the ground I lapsed into a coma. The corpsman who saw me when I arrived at the hospital said that my body temperature when I got there was 112. The doctors at the hospital sent both of my parents telegrams advising them that if they wished to see me before I passed away they should get there as soon as possible. This telegram shocked my little brother in a special way because in order to be with me again he had enlisted into the Marines after I left. When my eyes opened for the first time after lapsing into the coma I saw people all around my bed all dressed in white. I thought that I must be in Heaven and I wanted to ask them if we were indeed in Heaven, but another thought came to my mind, and I asked them, ‘Am I in the Marines?’ They just laughed and said yes. They proceeded to tell me that my waking up had proved all of them wrong, but they were happy that I did. About a week of recovery later I returned to a new platoon in Parris Island to resume my training. Technically I should have repeated that same physical fitness test again, but the DI’s did not require me to. One of them actually refused to let me return to that same field even when one of the other recruits tried to make sure that the DI sent me there by reminding the DI that I should go. The DI just told that recruit in a very stern voice to shut up and mind his own business, but I did learn a lesson from the test which almost cost me my life: I learned something about never giving up no matter what it cost me.

Adequate Rx’s to control our chronic severe pain does not do anything dark, sinister, or life threatening… It only gives us the strength to stay on this stage we call life years longer, even decades if deadly pain is controlled well enough. Freeing us from such pain allows us to do the good we were sent here to do.

As my chronic, severe pain gradually intensifies my pain Rxs are less and less effective. I wish that all pain patients were cared for by Doctors who wanted to treat their severe pain patients with Rx’s and or procedures which were as fully effective as possible in controlling severe pain which if inadequately treated can be totally crippling or end in fatal outcomes due to complications from under treated chronic, severe pain. If the #DEA were to stop harassing doctors who are only trying to save and restore lives then fatal outcomes with those who live in chronic, severe pain would be a rare occurrence. Ironically, I would not be surprised to learn that some chronic, severe pain patients are present or past members of the #DEA. I would be very surprised if they would rather die from the complications of under treated chronic, severe pain than to be adequately medicated.

I discovered that one of my near relatives has been Rx’ed pain meds for a considerable time, but she has not taken them. She was afraid that if she took the Rx pain meds to control her crippling pain that someone would call her a drug addict. After being informed about the severe complications of untreated chronic severe pain she decided to take the risk that the gossips would label her a drug addict because she is trying to control her severe pain. Her condition after treating her pain adequately is much improved. She has not heard from the gossips yet, but she has decided to let them talk and amuse themselves however they wish. After all they do not have to deal with her daily severe, disabling pain.

I am finding that I am having to be more diligent about controlling my chronic pain before it becomes so severe. If I am careful to control it when it starts I will less often become incapacitated by pain as the severity intensifies. Also I do not wish to lose consciousness when pain becomes very severe because I have had the experience of passing out and suffering injuries which I’d much rather avoid. When I was younger I once thought I was showing strength when I tried to ignore pain, but I realized that suffering unnecessary injuries was not a display of strength at all.

I am finding that I am having to be more diligent about controlling my chronic pain before it becomes so severe. If I am careful to control it when it starts I will less often become incapacitated by pain as the severity intensifies. Also I do not wish to lose consciousness when pain becomes very severe because I have had the experience of passing out and suffering injuries which I’d much rather avoid. When I was younger I once thought I was showing strength when I tried to ignore pain, but I realized that suffering unnecessary injuries was not a display of strength at all.

I am getting ready for today’s gym workout. My preparations start several hours before the workout because I have to get my pudendal nerve pain under control before I can start moving and exercising the muscles which will give me maximum returns by allowing me to continue being mobile. As I continue getting ready I recall an exercise session I prepared for several years ago. I failed to adequately medicate the severe pain and in addition to the elevating pain I felt something very odd accompanying the sharp pain. I decided it would be best to get to the ER as soon as possible. The ambulance got me there in just a few minutes, but as I lay on the bed along with the severe pain I felt a completely foreign sensation. I sat straight up, but as soon as I was upright everything went black. Some time later my eyes opened to see Bella with head bowed beside me asking me why I had to go so soon. I said, ‘Go where? I am right here.’ The attending physician was very quickly beside the bed. She recounted that they had tried many times to restart my heart, but it was futile so she declared me dead, and they left Bella alone with me to say her good byes. Then the doctor asked me to not put her through that again and left. The lesson I learned from my heart attack was that I had best keep my chronic, severe pain under control or else my next ER visit would be my last. Today has been very similar to that day regarding under treated, severe pain. I hope to be here tomorrow, and I hope all the other undertreated chronic, severe pain patients will still be here as well.

OpioidRxs help to restore to near normal function while controlling the chronic, severe pain of chronic pain patients just as insulin helps to control the blood sugar of diabetics while extending their lives. Hopefully there will never be a group of anti insulin fanatics demanding that insulin be denied to diabetics as there are now anti opioid fanatics demanding that opioid rxs be with held from pain patients. Is it too much to ask of such fanatics to imagine what their life would be like if they were chronic, pain patients and fanatics succeeded in cutting off their life saving meds?

It would be nice to be able to go to the gym tomorrow without having to spend the night before trying to find ways to control severe pain for a few hours to allow me to exercise. I do think that maintaining strength is an important part of controlling chronic, severe pain and its undesirable complications.

Educational trip to the doctor today. It was related to my visit to the ER in recent days when my pain became so severe that I just could not stand it, and the thoughts that the pain gave me about ways to get relief were not conducive to longevity. The doctor did listen, and he realized that the pain was extreme and needed to be controlled. He asked if the hospital gave me anything to help. I replied that they did and that I used it to control the pain. I was pleased that he did at least inquire because he did realize that my temporary injury was an excruciating one. He further asked if the pain were still as bad. I replied that the temporary pain from the injury was very severe but that it was decreasing as the injury healed. The pain I am left with is the pudendal nerve pain which is chronic and severe, but for some reason my meds are not adjusted in an attempt to better control the dangerously severe level of pain which would allow me to return to normal function. At least I do receive some medication which is known effective for controlling severe pain even though the dosage is kept below what is needed. Far too many pain patients do not even receive this lowered dosage. By the time I returned home from the 25 mile drive the seated position required for driving had triggered the more severe version of my pudendal nerve pain. I had to do the best I could with the meds Rx’ed to reduce the pain to a survivable level. Of course when the anti opioid Rx fanatics allow sanity to return to the treatment of pain many more pain patients even those of us attempting to survive with chronic severe pain will be allowed with the aid of the most effective medications to return to a very near normal life.