Soon I’ll have that little mermaid and the ocean will be mine.
Joined August 2017
- Tweets 27,480
- Following 2,680
- Followers 3,673
- Likes 40,561
1,450 Photos and videos
Pinned Tweet
A group of men is called a joke.
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LL Cool Tweet retweeted
I think Michelle Obama should be legally allowed to kill like three people per year minimum
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Jun 15
Me, to an ex boyfriend from college days:
If you send me even one more perimenopause meme, I will drive to Boston and beat the living shi-
Him: ok! Ok! Easy girl! Easy!
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Jun 14
Went pajama shopping today and it’s wild how many women can go to sleep in shorts and pants and shit. I just want long tshirts! I can’t be trapped by bottoms at 3 am.
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Jun 14
On another date, a guy showed me his bedroom. The bed had a 3’ porcelain baby Jesus doll in the middle of the bed with a dress on that perfectly matched the bedspread, and it was meticulously laid out on the bed as if it took hours to perfect. I ran out of the house.
Jun 1
What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?
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Jun 14
Like I’m not one of those stupid white girls in the horror movies who give you the benefit of the doubt. I’m going to scream and flee the crime scene the second I detect even a hint of danger 😂 if you want to kill me you’re going to have to work for it.
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Jun 14
He was chewing steak and couldn’t chew it completely so he took it out of his mouth and threw it on his plate, but it somehow bounced into my mashed potatoes, so I took it and threw it in his face. Never been back to a Longhorn ever since.
Jun 1
What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?
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LL Cool Tweet retweeted
A trillionair, yet his name does not appear on a single school, university, library, museum wing, hospital, stadium, arena, airport, or endowed chairs. What a colossal waste of a human lifetime.
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Jun 13
You’re just a bigot in a cult. And you’re (in the southern drawl of my Alabama grandmother) uuhhhgullay
Jun 13
If you think fertilized eggs are people but parents who've crossed the oceans with their kids aren't, stop pretending your concerns are religious.
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Jun 13
When you gleefully sign your kid up for a thousand summer activities, please don’t forget like I forgot that your ass also has to be at all of these goddamn things.
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Jun 13
Fact: 100% of trillionaires are white supremacists
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LL Cool Tweet retweeted
No ma’am, I don’t have a boarding pass. I’m simply here to enjoy the world famous dining and nightlife at O’Hare International Airport
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Jun 12
8 did very well ice skating today. Granted, I had her padded up like Martin Brodeur this time, but at least it won’t look like I beat her with a cane all next week.
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Jun 12
Me: can’t, 8 has ice skating class
Josh: ice skating class? Don’t kids learn anything by themselves anymore?
Me: 👀
Josh: swim class, ice skating class, how to walk and chew gum at the same time class? Throw her little ass out on a rink and she will figure it out!
Me: ok boomer
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Jun 11
I have the only child in America who doesn’t like PBJ’s and the only cat who turns her little snooty nose up to tuna fish when I run out of wet cat food. 🙄
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LL Cool Tweet retweeted
Jun 10
saving 20% of my income so that in 30 years i can afford 11 months of assisted living. the math is airtight
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Jun 10
8: mom there’s a roach in the sunroom!
Me: *screams*
8: brings it to me in her hand
Me: *screams even louder*
8: WHAT DO WE DO NOW
Me: OMG THAT’S A LIGHTNING BUG
8: oh
Me: omg I’m about to throw up
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