tv writer // comedian // trying to get an absolute freakin ass grip
Joined October 2009
- Tweets 2,275
- Following 966
- Followers 1,861
- Likes 14,617
138 Photos and videos
14 Aug 2025
see: every barista i dated
13 Aug 2025
No it’s actually pretty sick that you’re 27 years old and you purposefully type in all lower case still
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13 Feb 2025
I lost my job then the next week I shit my pants. God works in mysterious ways because this could have happened at work. 🕊️
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Maria Randazzo retweeted
22 Nov 2024
Normal! Woman Posts About Toilets 8,000 Times in Two Days: ow.ly/I96j50UcOrN
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Maria Randazzo retweeted
21 Nov 2024
Attorney General Matt Gaetz has brought down his first and last sex criminal, Attorney General Matt Gaetz.
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14 Nov 2024
So mad about John Krasinski. Kras is the guy who helps you move. The guy who does your algebra homework. The guy who your mom begs you to consider. People Magazine has failed our republic.
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Maria Randazzo retweeted
6 Nov 2024
Countless Americans are endangered now on a scale and intensity almost unheard of in modern America. Our first responsibility is to protect these people and resist these forces.
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3 Nov 2024
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16 Oct 2024
I’ll see who my ex is charging for “🍸”and comment “girl do not pay him”
16 Oct 2024
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love seeing my boy Rick charge his wife for popcorn at amc
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15 Oct 2024
I’m scared this is me
Anne Hathaway sings ‘Somebody To Love’ at a Broadway for Harris fundraiser.
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10 Oct 2024
people are gonna hate this but sometimes i can’t tell if it’s Ben Affleck or Matt Damon
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10 Oct 2024
WE NEED TO BRING I ❤️ 70s/80s/90s BACK PLZ GOOD GOD
9 Oct 2024
I'm your real dad.
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10 Oct 2024
i can’t believe all the things i have to do today and for the rest of my life
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2 Oct 2024
Early flight shades up ppl should be held without bail
2 Oct 2024
Airplane window shade up on 7 am flight?
My guy, I hope your wife is cheating on you and the kids like him more
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20 Sep 2024
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Maria Randazzo retweeted
13 Sep 2024
Love it when my dentists says, “open a little wider please.” Here’s an idea: how about you do your fucking job and let me watch “Hot Ones” on my phone.
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Maria Randazzo retweeted
9 Sep 2024
Absolutely ridiculous.
9 Sep 2024
Beyoncé shut out of Country Music Association Awards with no nominations 'Cowboy Carter’ tennessean.com/story/enterta…
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